Like Being Stabbed In The Lungs, But Damn Is It Good

It took me a while to get around to watching and reviewing Precious: Based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire, as I was wary of the risk that my flatmates may walk into my room to find only an Alex shaped hole in the window. i heard it was depressing as hell and I have to be in the right frame of mind to watch that kind of film otherwise it just kind of ruins my day. So I started watching with caution and removed all sharp objects out of arms reach.

Precious, follows the story of Precious, go figure; a young black girl living in Harlem in the late 80s. Her life is all types of bad, living at home with an abusive mother who treats her like shite, she is pregnant with her second child, fathered by her own father, who raped her, i know, sunny isn't it. She isn't the smartest girl in the world and is getting kicked out of school for being up the duff again, so she enrolls in an 'alternative' schooling program, to help her read and write. We follow her story as she tries to escape her mothers umbrella of crap and make more of herself, tries to become a better mother, and as she tries to convince herself she isn't the stupid lump of dough her mother always told her she was; its a true underdog story, and it is gully as a motherfucker.

Precious is played brilliantly by The Notorious B.I.G in his first feature film role, not much make up was needed, just a wig and a hairband, and his transformation was complete. For a first timer in front of the camera he delivers a powerful performance as the prota- Whats that? Its not Biggie? oh yeah he died, shit. Apparently Precious was actually played by a newcomer called Gabourey Sidibe, who knew, but thats beside the point, whoever played Precious, they were excellent, I can only imagine that they had some kind of personal experience on par with some of the material in the script, as the performance is so raw and disarming if they didn't channel something then they were possessed by the soul of Laurence Olivier, thats how good they ( I say they as I am convinced Biggie has come back to life and is masquerading as this Gabourey Sidibe person) are in this film
The Best Supporting Actress Oscar went to Mo'Nique, and it was well deserved, as she steals the show playing Precious' total hellfire bitch of a mother, I truly didn't think she could act like this, she is incredible. You literally want to strangle her and repeatedly kick her in the face she is such a horrible bastard, but the acting prowess is undeniable.

Quick Bit o' Triv for the day, in the 2005 film Shodowboxer, Mo'Nique played a character called Precious (yeah i stalk people on imdb, so what of it?!)

There are strong supporting roles played out by Mariah Carey, playing a social worker for welfare, who I have been told was casted the day before filming began, so way to quickly get into it Mariah, you was well good innit. Lenny Kravitz (no i don't know why they cast all these musicians) is good as the male nurse who Precious meets during her stint in hospital when she gives birth. But the one person who has been getting no props for this film is Paula Patton, who plays Precious' new teacher, Miss Rain; and she should get more looks, as she was right up there with Mo'Nique in this one, just absolutely incredible.

Little known director Lee Daniels did a great job here, from directing the actors into these performances, and also his vision of the camerawork, which is constantly creating an atmosphere that is stuffy and claustrophobic, and using quick snap montage to capture the disgusting nature of scenes where Precious is raped by her father, his style is gritty and darker than a Mobb Deep track, and I think its brillo, so I will be looking for more of his stuff in the future. I think black directors apart from Spike Lee (although you know I loves ya Spike) need to get alot more recognition; the Hughes brothers could have managed it if their 'triumphant comeback' wasn't headed by the disappointing Book Of Eli, which not even Denzel Washington could save; John Singleton hasn't made anything I liked in ages, so I think Mr Daniels here could be the right stuff.

I will recommend you all see this film, even though it isn't exactly a walk in the park, in fact, if anything it leaves you feeling like Mike Tyson just decided to play speedball with your stomach, but still, it can't be missed. I just love this whole gully film style, that doesn't need those huge budgets to make a film of true substance. An achievement that I think should be applauded.

Till next time
Peace

Stumbling Into Hollywood Territory With Guy Ritchie

Guy Ritchie is a proper ol' cockney lad isn't he, so it is nice to see him portraying my current home of London Town in the 19th century rather than just the grotty 20th century East End he has usually employed in his films. Not that I did'nt love Lock Stock and Snatch, even Rock N Rolla; I did, its just nice to see Guy stretching out a bit, toeing new waters as it were.

In Sherlock Holmes we follow the infamous Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson on an adventure across London, chasing black magic cults and giant Frenchmen. We start the story with Holmes and Watson apprehending the black magic wizardy person Lord Blackwood, who is sentenced to hang for murder and shiz. However, after his feet stop twitching and he is confirmed dead and buried, some crack head grave keeper swears he saw this punk strolling about like death aint no thang. Holmes and Watson are thrust into a deadly game of cat and mouse with the seemingly magic-faced Lord Blackwood. We meet Irene Adler, who apparently outsmarted Holmes a few times before and he seems to let this happen alot, probably as he is too busy staring at her boobs all the time, but i'm sure her ass is just as alluring. All three of them stumble around trying to solve the weird case of Blackwood raising from the dead and how he plans to kill mo fools. And its on like Donkey Kong...

Robert Downey Jr is one of my favourite actors, he has a charisma and charm that the cameras cant hide and that makes any audience member instantly like him, and he is no different in the role of Sherlock Holmes. Not only is he a smart mofo, but hes a nutter too; for instance, he locks himself in his room for weeks on end getting plastered, trying to invent a gun silencer and drinking eye medicine, leading him train flies to fly in circles using a violin (no shit), and then he goes out and partakes in underground bare knuckle fucking boxing matches. Downey Jr is great as Holmes, with plenty of quick witted lines and a surprisingly good English accent; he was in shape for the role, packing on muscle for his boxing scenes and he doesn' tcome across as a super intelligent professor type, more a 'smarter-than-thou' lil' brat, which I thought was great.
Jude Law was good as Watson, adding a subtlety to the role which I liked, Watson being very reserved in his role as Holme's sidekick, most of the time wanting to get away from him to be with his fiancee, but ending up dragged through shit with him, trying to keep him on a leash, as Holmes is a bit of a loose cannon.
The one bit of casting I didn't like was Rachel McAdams as Irene, for one reason: a femme fatale she is not. McAdams is very pretty, and so of course I didn't mind her being on screen, but her character was meant to have edge, and McAdams has about as much edge as a pillow fight bless her. Stick to shit like The Notebook Rachel, you are not wanted here.

Ritchie does a good job of creating 19th century London, with the atmosphere and the sounds sucking you right into the times, but the overall feel is very 'summer blockbuster' which leads me to think that after he flopped with Revolver, he is making an effort to push his way back into the Hollywood scene with Sherlock Holmes, which appears like it will become a sequel machine. Fair play Guy, I get you want to be up their in the clouds with the top dogs, but take your time matey, you still haven't grasped the skill of linking narrative to film pace, and as such Sherlock Holmes moves in bursts, with some parts being mile and minute and others crawling and leaving me wondering why I was still watching this scene.

Sherlock Holmes is worth watching; it isn't excessively brilliant cinema, but if you are looking for a slightly smarter than average action thriller, then you should watch it now folks, actually, watch it anyway, so Ritchie can get to Hollywood and start throwing cockney slang all up in Jerry Bruckheimer's face, that could make a great film in itself, shit, i would watch it.

Till next time
Peace

Possibly The Manliest Film Ever

Yeeeeeeeeeh, yeah they are sliding, and...and shooting...and, and just YEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I know many of you won't have heard of The Boondock Saints, so as a quick recap Il do a wee history for ya. In 1999 The Boondock Saints was released and it was awesome. I don't imagine it did well at the box office, but fuck the box office, it had; Irishmen in Boston, guns, stupid manly humour, more guns, executions, montages, Wilem Dafoe, Billy Connolly (with guns) and so many more amazing jizztastic elements I can't begin to explain. The story followed the two MacManus brothers who are the two most badass hitmen in Boston. They wear cool outfits and have double silencer pistols and shiz, and they recite some biblical shit before blowing two holes in the back of their targets head so the exit path goes through each of the targets eyes (yeah i know, FUCKING SWEET!) then they go to a bar and get lashed, because, well , because they are Irish, thats what they do. Anyways, by the end of the film they disover the man sent after them to kill them is their Dad, played b Billy Connolly, they are all like "wait, what the fuck? why are we trying to murk each other, lets team up and pwn some fools!" and so they shoot up a court room full of mobsters then disappear into thin air. That film was made 11 years ago, and only last year did some dick in Hollywood think "Holy shit, why did we never make a sequel to that awesome pile of badass that we made 10 years ago?" and so The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day was born. And its freakin' Gangsta.

We begin the story with the MacManus bros living with their pops in Ireland. For some reason people in America seem to think Ireland is stuck in the 17th century, with the MacManus family riding around on horses and eating with wooden cutlery and wooden bowls, and apparently unable to shave. But apart from that they are having a jolly old time picking their tatoes and being Irish. Then they get word that some asshat in Boston decided to murder the shit out of their priest. Not cool man. The MacManus' are like, well religious, innit, so the two bros decide that its time for a sweet fucking montage, where they cut all their hair off and get their guns ready and just really testosterone fueled shit like that, and then head off to America to plug some holes in the tool who murked their religious buddy. They manage to pick up a mental Mexican sidekick on the way, as you do, and they arrive in Boston with vengeance on the agenda.

After they arrive, shit gets real, basically peple start getting shot, some people get shot, and then um, some more people get shot, and blown up, and stuff. there is a cool Godfather pt2 thing going on with Billy Connolly's character, as we look back into his past growing up in the states and how he became the huge badass that he is. This comes back at the end of the film, leading us the the climax, where almost everyone dies. Wicked

I could not recommend this film enough, it has everything you could ever want in a film (if your brain is made entirely of testosterone and steroids), it has guns, slow motion shootouts, fucking SLIDING (see above), slapstick comedy bits and lots more shooting and death and stuff; and in a move of pure genius they wrote a fine lady into the script also, played by the lovely Julie Benz (Rita from that show Dexter) which also led to them putting her in loads of ridiculous outfits designed solely to give men wood. By any means this is not intelligent cinema, but I really don't give a shit, people can try and deny it, but every man loves a good dose of guns and carnage and stupid cheesy, yet badass, script, with one-liners and biblical stuff all over the joint.
I can't really go into the plot too much as it would ruin the film (like I was paying attention to the plot amongst all the crazy shit going on), I can't really go into the acting, as there wasn't really much of that, and trying to discern a meaning from this film seems pointless, but you should still see it, and whilst your at it get the 1999 prequel too, and i guarantee, if your male, these films will make your nuts physically grow, as your brain will be so pumped up on guns that it starts squirting testosterone around your body like a 30 year old virgin spraying a water hose at a wet t-shirt contest. Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day is more manly than a steak dinner laying on top of a pile of weights, sitting in a tank of beer...with topless women running in circles around the tank...shooting guns...and screaming my name (thats just in my scenario). So go now, go and watch this film right fucking now, before I hunt yu down and remove your undeserving testes.

P.S - to any ladies reading this post, you should watch it too, to see how simple the male mind is, as this is what men really want to watch, we may try and impress you by saying we were "absorbed" by Changeling and that The Pianist was "hauntingly beautiful", but all we really want is this, guns and more guns!

Till next time
Peace

The Best Laid Plans Of Goats And Men

I have had a conversation with my newest follower Lucy, who agrees with me that I have been on a rampage lately of writing negative reviews and it seems that I have forgotten how to enjoy film. So I am here to set the record straight, to Lucy and the rest of you, that I do like films, I just find it easier being a dick than I do being a constructive critic. Well in all honesty I will take some what of a middle ground and be nice and an asshole at the same time.

The Men That Stare At Goats was one film that I was uber excited to see. It looked brillo from the trailers and I couldn't wait to see it. It is the story of a reporter, Bob Wilton (Ewan McGregor) whose life has recently been thrown down the shitter, then flown out the other side face first into a fence made of fail. His wife has just left him for his Editor, who has one arm (to be honest this one arm thing kind of left me stumped. no pun intended, as the fact he has a mechanical arm is never even mentioned, its just kind of...there. I mean why cast that guy? Does the studio have a quota to meet on one armed staff members?), and he couldn't find a story to write about if he paid for it. As he is sitting around pickling his liver with whiskey (which is how real men deal with heartbreak...right?) he decides to make a break for it and go do something crazy. This leads him into the crazy world of the New Earth Army; a military unit founded during the Gulf War, in response to intel that the Russians had started up a psycho-military unit themselves. The New Earth Army had the goal to produce 'Jedi' (what is it with the U.S government naming shit after Star Wars?) who could fight wars with their minds and develop super duper powers, that could be used for good. Bob's quest leads him to the Middle East, where he meets Lyn Cassady (George Clooney) who was once a 'Jedi' for the NEA and who is on a quest, following visions he had received through meditation. Bob decides that trekking along with Lyn is a great idea, because Bob is stupid, and so he and Lyn plod off into the desert to pursue the story of a lifetime and to discover what Lyn's calling was all about. And thats where I will stop so I don't ruin anything

The first point I will make is how awesome the cast in this film is; I almost had an eyegasm when I saw it initially. We have McGregor, who is awesome, The Cloonester, whose epicness has been mentioned in previous posts, The Dude (used to be known as Geoff Bridgeman or something, I forget), Kevin Fucking Spacey (legend) and Stephan Lang, the only person in Avatar who I liked. So I was all set up for some epic shit right here, and for a lot of the film I got what I wanted. McGregor, Clooney and The Dude have some of the best comic timing in Hollywood, with a talent for delivering their lines perfectly squeezing the most out of every last witticism. Then we have Spacey and Lang being...just being cool...everywhere.
Thats another thing actually, the script is really bloody good, full of great one-liners and drawn out anecdotes from Lyn's past in the NEA, narrated by Bob throughout the film. One thing though Hollywood, and this really pisses me off; stop making McGregor speak in an American accent, just let him be Scottish. His American accent is awful, it feels forced and you would be better off just working it into the script that he moved to America from the UK. And on a tangent, same goes to Gerard Butler, his accent is even freakin' worse. Just Stop IT!!!!!!
Possibly the best character is Spacey's portrayal as Larry Hooper, who undermined the original NEA due to his jealousy of Lyn's talents, and has now become the proverbial asshat that you can expect him to become. And of course The Dude is hilarious as Bill Django, the man who founded the NEA and is a tiny bit unhinged, as in he is bloody mental. But both of these characters add a slightly more slapstick comedy element to the witty, written comedy that Clooney and McGregor deliver, so all the laugh-o-meter bases are covered.
Lastly, the timing of releasing this film, at the apparent end of the conflict in Iraq, is brave. Most of the backstory is true, the U.S military really did try creating super soldiers in the 80s, trying to utilize the paranormal to help win the war, a notion that goes beyond plain stupid and passes into the territory of that kid at school who used to eat glue...up to the age of 15; so the commentary that this film subtly provides on the past and present of the U.S armed forces hits closer to home in the current situation America finds itself in, which I am all for as this war is fucking retarded.

However, as I was discussing with my man Chasey the other day, The Men Who Stare At Goats just didn't strike me as the amazing film i wanted to see. Maybe I had built it up too much in my head as I was ready for a ball shriveling amount of badass testosterone filled awesome from the moment I hit play. But, and stay with me on this one, it just felt like a random sequence of scenes thrown together, I now this sounds weird, but watch it and see what I mean. The journey that Bob and Lyn took had no real accomplishment at the end, and this leads to the worst ending for a film ever; literally you have to see it to understand, but the end of this film made me cringe so hard I almost swallowed my own face. It was embarrassing, to say the least, and every screenwriter who agreed upon that ending should be set on fire, their families too. Assholes.

But I won't tell you not to go see this movie, in fact I will recommend it, just don't go in with expectations as high as mine were, as those expectations shall not be met. Aaaaanyway

Till next time
Peace

Vampires Were Never Meant To Be This Shit

See him? right there at the top of this post? thats how I felt whilst watching this film.

Here are two plot changes that would have made Twilight: New Moon watchable

1) 13 minutes in Bella goes to the Cullen household for her birthday, but its a trap, Edward bites her head off. They all nom down on Bella and have a great ol' meat feast.

or

2) at 23 minutes in we hear this exchange:

Edward - LOLZ, you is dumped yeah! ROFL pwned

Bella - WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (kills herself)

Both these scenarios equal a massive win, as it prevents the audience from having to experience the most painful 130 minutes of their lives. To put it in physical terms, watching Twilight: New Moon is on par with being repeatedly smacked in the face with a cricket bat. So to review this film...mmmmmmm......

The basic story is, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is a tard. She is in love with Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who is a vampire. Yeah a vampire. He and his family of blood suckers have to leave town as they don't age, and although Americans are not the smartest tools in the shed, they notice when you haven't aged a day in 10 years. Bella reckons this idea is ridiculous amounts of whack as she like, totally loves him yeah. So after he pisses off she settles into her new life of being a normal human, she gets a boyfriend at her local school, they grow old together and she dies a happy woman. Oh...wait...no? Did I get that wrong? Oh yeah, I remember, no, of course, when I say she lived a normal life, what she actually does is this; she starts looking for adrenaline rushes so Edward pops up in her weird lil' imagination, she ignores all her friends and she gets right on her dad's tits by having stupid nightmares which make her scream like a rape victim. Speaking of rape, thats where she goes for her first adrenaline rush, by hopping onto the back of some random hairy bikers motorcycle and getting taken down a dark alley. Thankfully she changes her mind when she gets a weird vision of Eddy boy who says "Bella, why are you being such an insufferable twat?" and she gets this dude to turn the bike around and take her back to her mate. There is something very very wrong with Bella. To top all this off she then starts dating a werewolf called Jacob, (really Bella? REALLY????) and he is not the biggest fan of the vampire folk. So now Bella is torn between her two fucked up fairy tale boyfriends and she is mad confused yo. I would go on, but this story-line makes me want to vom everywhere.

Il just get right into it and tell you everything thats wrong with this film. First on the agenda is Kristen Stewart's acting ability (well at least I think she was trying to act?!). She approaches the script with about as much enthusiasm as I put into controlling my drinking. All her lines are delivered as if the director is holding a gun to her parent's heads, and unless she says something, they get hot lead all up in their craniums; even lines that are meant to have an element of comedy or emotion, are all delivered with the same god awful monotone and the twitchy jaw. OH MY SWEET JESUS THE TWITCHY JAW. Everytime I see her speak I want to rip her face off, her mouth is that annoying.
Secondly is the weird effort put in to have topless teenage men in as many shots as possible. Yeah I get they are werewolves, but why do werewolves have to be bloody half naked all the time? That just makes zero sense, put some clothes on the poor bastards.
Thirdly, the whole story is stupid. Bella would never be able to get these two guys fighting over her, because after they both spent 5 minutes in her presence they would realise she is about as interesting as Blu-Tac; she literally just stands around gurning and squirming on the spot, being awkward and trying not to bite her own tongue off.
Fourthly, nothing in the plot is interesting. I genuinely did not care what happened to anybody (see possible scenarios at beginning of rant) and by the end I kind of wished Jacob and Edward would have a badass final battle or something, preferably where Edward gets his throat ripped out, but alas, two more films from the quadrilogy of shit must first be unleashed on the world.
Fourthly, they wasted great actors like Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning, by putting them in stupidly minor roles. It was just embarrassing to see them in this film to be honest.
Fifthly, the vampires don't die from contact with sunlight, like you know...like they are meant to. Oh no that would ruin the story, so the author of the books decided that they should just sparkle, like pretty diamondy instruments of death, when they get caught in the rays. This is the most retarded thing in the whole series actually. If you are going to make vampire fiction, at least make it scary and badass and awesome. Don't make them BLOODY SPARKLE!!!!
I won't go on, you get the idea...

And on a side note, poor Robert Pattinson (who I have dubbed Rob Pats), who may acually be able to act, but he is tied down by an awful script, shoddy camerawork, and just by being surrounded by huge amounts of...of...bad! just lots of bad.

I only watched this film because I wanted to try and prove to people (*Cough* Charlotte) that this film is shite. So I hope this helped

Don't see this film, for your own sake, your own sanity, just stay way away from anything Twilight.

Till next time
Peace

Where The Wild Things Are Nothing Ever Happens...Fucking Ever!

Where The Wild Things Are is a simple story, a classic tale of boy bites mother, then runs away to guilt her into forgiving him. I finished watching this steaming pile of ass that Spike Jonze has unleashed upon the world and felt like hunting him down and punching him in throat for wasting 1 hour and 40 minutes of my life. I am finding it hard to write as my mind is still trying to figure out what the fuck just happened in this film, and so far the conclusion is...fuck all.

Our protagonist is Max, an insufferable dick who you hate, instantly. Max was shuffling along the thin line between having an active imagination and being mental enough to consider committing to an institution, then he took a dump on the line and hopscotched right into Beautiful Mind territory. Don't believe me? In the first 20 minutes, Max manages to showcase the following proof that he is a nutter; he gets emotionally attached to an igloo, he goes apeshit and destroys his sisters room, bites his mum, almost strangles his dog, and gets pissed off at a fence. Basically Max wants everyone to be like him, but unfortunately for Max, everyone else is FUCKING NORMAL!!!!
So after he bites his mum he runs away because she gets angry at him, obviously, and he travels in his warped little head, to a strange island where the wild things are.

The Wild things are like the twisted bitter rejects from Sesame Street, if Sesame Street was created by the Devil himself! They are weird looking buggers and it appears that before Max turns up and names himself their King, they had absolutely no idea what to do with themselves. Max becomes attached with Carol, voiced by Tony Soprano (yeah I don't believe in James Gandolfini, as I like to believe Tony Soprano is real), who seems to have some anger issues; then there is Douglas who looks like Big Birds retarded cousin, Judith who is a fucked up horn face thing, Ira, who has a stupid nose, and the most confusing is KW, who seems to be a bit mental, like Max. At one point, after rambling on about her new friends Bob and Trevor for most of the film, when she is walking along the beach with Max, she knocks two owls out of the sky with rocks, puts them in killer headlocks and announces them as Bob and Trevor, everyone seems too scared to tell her that they are just two owls who want to get the fuck out of there, but she has convinced herself that their mad squawking is a language only she can understand, insisting they stay with her. If you watch this film under the influence of anything, I am pretty sure your brain would melt.

The main problem is, that nothing actually happens in the entire bloody movie. Literally, Max goes to this weird little place and meets these things, but then it is just a series of shitty little games and they build a fortress, and then he goes home, with nothing seemingly learned or resolved, he just does shit then turns around and pisses off. Plus, he only manages to get them to do anything by lying through his teeth, cashing cheques his ass cannot cash and telling them he made some Vikings heads explode with his magical powers and so they make him their king (yeah I know, WTF right?!). If the wild things looked behind his thinly veiled bullshit at the beginning and decided that this kid was not a magical wizard king, they could have just put the barbie on and had a sweet Max grill party, actually that would have been a much better film, shorter too.

I will say one good thing about this film though, aesthetically it is beautiful; the lighting and scenery is amazing and the soundtrack is pretty good too, working in well with what is being shown on screen. Apart from that I spent the majority of my time trying to figure out why I was still watching and why I had a strong urge to eat my own fist.

Only go see this film if you have a strong will and don't mind finishing films feeling robbed and empty.
Good luck

Till next time
Peace

Who Knew Apartheid Could Be So Entertaining?!

South Africans are funny people; they have funny accents, they have funny views on the world, and for some reason they are supremely racist. Apartheid officially ended in 1994, although instances of "petty" apartheid still remain in some political parties ideals, and it is a subject which is hard to approach, being very fresh in many peoples memories. However, if it wasn't fresh in the memory of Neill Blomkamp, we may not have the ability to enjoy District 9, a film which should have been released in November, then it would have won the best picture Oscar, but then again, if they waited till then they would have denied the world an extra 2 months of this brilliant films existence, which would have been a crime punishable by castration if it was up to me. No other film I saw in 2009 or in January 2010 has been as mind blowingly, ball crushingly, tears of pure joy awesome as District 9 (no i don't care about any of your opinions before you start to argue, its the double truth...Ruth!)

I don't really know where to begin, but my brain tells me the beginning is a logical choice. The set up is, that an alien spacecraft came to earth and managed to settle itself directly above Johannesburg (oh yeah, great fucking choice, everything I expected in the realm of extra terrestrial intelligence, I now have to double check, as that is the last place anybody should want to go). The alien craft just hovered there doing bollocks all for ages so the Boks on the ground decided to go see what the hippity hap was up in the space shipizzle; all they found was millions of malnourished and desperate aliens, that they dubbed "Prawns" due to them looking like...well...like prawns really. So some bright butt plug had the genius idea to bring them all down to earth and give them a guided tour kinda thing, and by guided tour I mean locking them up in shanty towns and policing everything they do, stripping them of all their rights, and basically putting them under a lovely oppressive umbrella of apartheid. Obviously the local Joburgians (or whatever the fuck you call someone from Joburg) are not too happy about this, i mean, this was THEIR shitty city full of crime and death and just general shitness, and why should they have to share that with all these alien folk right?! So the decision is made to relocate all the Prawns to isolated camps to keep them segregated from the humans. The man charged with quarterbacking this turd of an idea is Mr Wikus Van De Merwe, a total bumbling idiot of a twat who has no idea whats going on half the time, and only got the job as he is married to the daughter of the CEO of the company who happens to run all things Prawn related. And so we get punted into the story full speed ahead...

The first 30 minutes of District 9 is shot in a mockumentary style, and is chock full of some of the best type of comedy; that is dry as a nuns woo woo and as dark as Jeremy Clarkson's belly button. We also get introduced to the talents of Sharlto Copley who plays the colossal idiot Wikus Van De Merwe, and is somebody who has some serious natural acting talent, in fact, in this first third of the film he ad libs all of his lines! This is a man who had never acted before, never really planned on picking acting as a career, but hes like "fuck this noise, and your script, its Sharlto time bitches!" and so just starts waxing lyrical all over the camera mans face...and camera...obviously. He is bloody good at it too, having all the best moments and funniest lines and generally just being a good watch. Also he has one of the funniest South African accents ever, he sounds like Nelson Mandela's son, if big Nels went to Amsterdamn, got baked off his face and had unprotected sex with a hooker, this would be what that son sounds like. We follow Wikus as he is appointed chief Prawn kicker outer and also have the brief history of the alien presence explained to us through a series of mock news reels and interviews with journalists, politicians and Wickus' family members. We then see Wickus as he goes around the slums of District 9 (the name of the Prawn's enclosure) as he attempts to hand out eviction notices to the residents in their huts. In the process, he stumbles across a weapons cache hidden in one of the huts and, being a massive MASSIVE tit, manages to spray some crazy alien goo jizz in his face (slow clap for Wickus everybody), and then shit gets real live, I won't go on as that would be massive spoilerville.

So the ways that this film is badass? Lets start with the use of CGI, by that I mean how it is used as it should be, to compliment the story and acting on screen, not to dominate the films plot, and take over the entire production. Obviously all the Prawns and their spacecraft is rendered with CGI, but the way that they interact with the humans on screen is so well done you believe that this is actually happening. Even better is the way we can discern their feelings and emotions through their funny lil' faces, which is a great achievement considering they have strange tentacle things hanging all over the shop and the only clear thing we can see is their eyes. This is why CGI was made, to convince audiences that out of this world shit is real on screen, and even though Blomkamp could have gotten carried away and started spraying computer generated shite all over every frame, he doesn't, which I think is admirable (yeah Im looking at you James Cameron you tard!)
Secondly I should mention how in a film industry chock a block with remakes and adaptations, District 9 is a refreshing and new idea, providing a personal commentary on a serious issue such as apartheid, and yet the message doesn't become depressing (and think about it, apartheid could become very depressing faster than Paris Hilton's knickers come off), a feat that is managed by removing the human aspect and replacing that aspect with aliens, so the audience doesn't feel removed from the issues, just unfamiliar with the subjects involved.
Thirdly, there are some parts that were so ridunkulously awesome I was collecting a puddle of drool on my chest by the end of the film. For instance, the weapons the aliens have, there is an adaptation of that gravity gun thing from Half Life 2, which we see towards the end of the film; at one point it is used to pick up a live pig and promptly hurls said swine at a dude, who gets killed by having a bacon to cranium collision. Imagine that on the gravestone! "Here lies Generic Soldier Type 433, who was unable to avoid a pig flying at his face" God that would be embarrassing for the family. Then there is a gun that fires some kind of lightening bolt at people and they unceremoniously explode into millions of tiny lil' bits; so your standing there firing your gun having a jolly old time, and then before you know it your splattered over every surface in a 30 yard radius including in your team mates mouth. Basically just some badass shit that makes me want to get into the gun designing industry just to make some of that stuff possible.

Well done South Africa, your tard face policies of the 20th century did indeed oppress a nation for around half a decade, but they also inspired this film, which you all must go watch immediately! LIKE NOW ASSHOLES! And then you will know for yourselves how fucking jizztastic District 9 is! (Note: I can't be held legally responsible if your eyes explode from witnessing all the awesomeness displayed in this film. If you feel them swelling, just press pause to let them calm down and then continue!)

Anyway
Till next time
Peace

The Dude Finally Gets His Due, About Bloody Time, But Shame About The Film!

When Jeff Bridges didn't win the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of The Dude in The Big Lebowski i came thiiiiiis close to hanging myself, as I pretty much gave up on cinema at that news. But I held on, and kept wishing one day The Dude ('Jeff Bridges' is more like a moniker now, he is just The Dude) would blow our faces off once more, and earn himself that lil' golden statue that he so obviously deserves. When he won the best actor award this year, i developed a theory about the Academy Awards, i figure, they don't necessarily give the award to the most deserving nominee; at this point they are trying to make up for the mistakes they have made in the past. The Dude's performance in Crazy Heart is a good one, very good infact, so good it almost saves a film that would have been seven types of pure shit had he not been in it (although an alternative save could have been obtained by having Maggie Gyllenhaal naked in every single scene, with the possibility of her jumping on a trampoline, just a thought). His performance was not, however, as good as Clooneyface in Up In The Air or Viggo Mortenson in The Road; yet he still wins. I would complain more if I didn't think that The Dude deserved one, just he didn't deserve one this year, and now in future award ceremonies Clooney and Mortenson will get Oscars for performances that were not deserving, and so the vicious cycle of the Academy scrubbing off its guilt continues. Ok rant over, into the review...

Country music......I will let those words burn their way onto you retinas for a moment.....you see, when I see those words I almost instinctively try to tear my nuts off and force them in next to my eyeballs; as I would rather see nuts for eternity than ever have to suffer country music...ever (a preemptive fuck you to Ryan, country music does suck, live with it :P). So I had to tie myself to my bed and sellotape my eyelids open to sit through Crazy Heart; the story of Otis "Bad" Blake (The Dude), an old, run down country singer who rediscovers himself and his music through the love for a single mother, understandable as that single mother is Gyllenhaal.... damn just saying her name makes my manhood twitch (sorry for the imagery). Bad Blake is doing a small tour in loads of shitty bars, and fittingly in bowling alleys (THE DUUUUUUUDE) to make ends meet on the back side of his career; he spends his free time throwing whiskey down his throat like an Irish dock worker, smoking like Frenchman with a death wish and nailing more middle age groupie wenches than any man could ever want (if thats your thing, I guess its an acquired taste). Whilst wandering into the next venue he is to perform in, he is pointed towards Gyllenhaal who is a local journalist, and he agrees to give an interview for her publication. To cut a long story short, Gyllenhaal and her 4 yr old son Buddy (who names their son Buddy?? really? fucking who?) manage to soften Blake's cold, whiskey pickled heart and he falls in love with his new lady friend. And so the story kicks off...

The problem with Crazy Heart, apart from the abundance of country music, is that it feels rushed. It could have been infinitely better just by spreading the runtime out by 30 minutes more, thats all it would take, but because the whole film is squeezed into 112 minutes (usually plenty of time, but not for what Crazy Heart tries to accomplish), all the plot points whizz by at the speed of sound and we never relate to any of the characters apart from Blake himself, and even thats a push. Blake goes from meeting Jean (Gyllenhaal), to sleeping with her, to meeting her son, to being in love with her, all before I realized there was meant to be a spark between them at all, to be honest I was still under the impression it was the same night of his second gig but it was in fact the next evening. Later in the film i blinked and Blake was suddenly in rehab for alcoholism, i literally turned to get a drink of water, so 2 seconds maybe, and he went from laying on his bed to being in AA, seriously, what the fuck?! Note to director Scott Cooper, give me time to acknowledge what the fucks happening before completely changing the course of the plot and trying to throw Collin Farrell down my throat so fast i have an Irish accent for hours after, you asshole. I finished watching this film and it felt like my brain had been raped, the poor thing was still trying to comprehend information given in the first hour of the film, "wait...he is like with her now?....where is he.....Austin, Texas....why does it all look the same as the last place?...whaa?....errrr?.....(This is when i started bleeding from my ears and nose)......credits? holy shit thats it?"

Despite these elements that ruin the film, The Dude and Gyllenhaal do have moments of brilliance, with the fine lady Maggie always finding a way to leave her mark on a film, she is quite amazing as Jean, and probably should have won the best supporting actress gong if it wasn't for Mo'Nique in Precious and if we had more time to admire her onscreen. And The Dude, as always, does a great job, even if he is just playing a wasteman musician, he still makes it cool, because.....well....because he is the Dude, fool.

I don't know if I could recommend Crazy Heart for anybody to watch, I think you have to "get" country music to truly like this film, and therefore need to have maybe half of your brain removed (give or take). I could be wrong, give it a go, in fact thats it, watch this film just to tell me whether I am being completely and totally shortsighted about the whole thing. But Im confident Im right, because Im always right.

Till next time
Peace

Up In The Air : Making Jason Reitman My New Best Friend

Jason Reitman is fast becoming one of my favourite directors. You may have seen some of his previous works, such as 'Juno' and 'Thank You For Smoking' both of which, are bloody amazingoid films, tackling subjects that could be hard and uncomfortable with witty dialogue and some dark ass comedy. So when I first saw that his newest film would be starring Mr Clooney I almost shat myself I was so excited, because I, much like all of you, have a soft spot for the Cloonester. And whilst Up In The Air doesn't have the same weight as TYFS or Juno, it is still a great watch in it's own right...

Up In The Air follows Ryan Bingham (Clooney), who ruins peoples lives for a living; well thats a bit much, he basically has to go around the U.S firing batches of corporate employees as their bosses are too chicken shit to do it themselves, Clooney is like the corporate Terminator, using his charm and charisma to calm and reason even the most erratic soon to be former employees; and in his spare time he gives "inspirational" talks, telling people how to live their lives like he lives his (mostly like a damn badass). Bingham spends his time in the air, well in aeroplanes anyways; airports are his porch and the 1st class section his sanctuary. All is swell and business is good, with the recession forcing more and more companies to downsize, resulting in Clooney waltzing in on a carpet of balls out awesome, and promptly telling the masses "pack up your shit, you've just been pwned". The plot gets going when Bingham's company hires a young hot shot out of grad school to bring their workplace into the 21st century. Natalie Keener (Anna Kendrick, that annoying lil bint from the Twilight film who you wanted to punch in the face?! Yeah well now you want to get on that) is that woman, and she proposes computerizing the entire process, firing punks over the tinternets. Whilst Bingham's colleagues and bosses may love the idea, as they would get to spend more time at home with their boring families and it would save bare monies on plane tickets; Bingham is thinking he has to sink this bitch before she pisses all over his cool reclusive lifestyle and halting him in the middle of his quest to rack up 10 000 000 airmiles; The Cloonester cannot be having that. This is when Bingham convinces his bos to allow Miss Keener to accompany him on a trip to show her how he gets shit done, and how full of whore logic her idea is in the process, all whilst balancing a very business like relationship with the MILficious Alex Goran (Vera Farmiga) at the same time; and so our story begins.

Reitman handles a hot topic brilliantly, in the current economic climate, companies downsizing is effecting thousands of people the world over; and Reitman uses this to his advantage for the film, interviewing recently fired employees and snipping them into the film as fictional characters, this makes the reactions as they are fired incredibly real (he asked them to say to him what they wanted to say at the time they were fired by their real life employers) and with this bit o' triv in your belt the sections when he shows us these folks are as heavy as my ego is big and far more hard hitting compared to what it would have been if he simply employed actors for the parts. the chemistry between Clooney and Farminga fills every scene they are in, probably because it is George Clooney, and Farminga genuinely want sto jump his ass right there on set, but none the less the theme of romance that flows through the film, the romance that is meant to drag Bingham out of his super bachelor lifestyle, is believable and comedic at the same time. Farminga has this great "lived in" feel to her (I must sounds like a nutter right now but watch this film and you may get where I am coming from), making her a truly life like character, and one we can imagine Bingham falling for in reality. Kendrick is also wonderful as Keener, her highlight being a spasmodic breakdown in the middle of a hotel lobby, which genuinely made me have a coughing fit, mostly because it reminded me of my sister, but still. What is great about the way Reitman handled this film, is how he avoids the temptation to make it into some pretentious mad ramble on his views concerning the recession, or trying to make it some shitty 'think piece', he simply takes his themes, and softens them with hugely likeable characters, and dialogue that makes Tarantino weep blood; not that this takes away from the weight of the film, it just stops it being an egotistical bunch of horse shit.

Farminga and Kendrick are great But no matter how great they are, neither of them comes close to the performance Clooney gives. He captures Bingham perfectly, a masochistic, quick moving bachelor supreme, who stereotypes "because its faster" (best line in the film) and yet he has this soft sensitive man waiting just under the surface; and it shows through his acting. We can see, even when he is being his most dickish, that just behind his front there is somebody else telling him that he should change his ways, stop what he is doing, maybe be nice to people, but fuck that right?. So much of Clooney's performance is silent; Im not saying he doesn't have any lines, what I mean is that we learn so much about his character without anything having to be said, anything having to physically happen, we can simply see it in George's face, which is a true talent if I have ever seen one. Plus we have Clooney voicing over parts of the film, which is awesome (i think I mentioned in an earlier review about hm having a great voice). Actually thinking about it this film has possibly 3 of the best 4 voices in Hollywood in it; we have Clooney, then J.K Simmons, who has a badass voice, and finally my favourite, we have Sam Elliot, who sounds like a cowboy who swallowed a gallon of petrol and had somebody stab him repeatedly in the throat, but it works somehow.

Anyways I will try not to go rattling on and ruin any of the story for you so I will just end by saying GO SEE THIS FILM, and pen Reitman into your notebooks and diaries, because I think he is going to be huge, and what I say is gospel bitches.

Till next time (which probably won't be that long)
Peace

Avatar - Modern Film Making At It's Most Average

I am going to try my hardest not to completely lose my shit with this one, and also make an effort not to insult seemingly every member of the movie viewing public by saying this ... Avatar was ... ... meh?!

The way some people have been going on about James Cameron's latest blockbuster you would think it was the best thing to happen to cinema since sound. But in all honesty it was just...ok. I can see the appeal, i understand why it broke records in becoming the highest grossing film of all time, because even I can't deny it is impressive visually, and thats a gross understatement; but in terms of plot, dialogue and acting I just wasn't sold. On second thought it is entirely possible that Cameron only got the budget he got after he admitted he had to distract everybody from the turd of a film he had come up with; dazzling us with enough CGI to cause eyegasms the world over, yet causing us to ignore the fact that he stole the plot and the script could have been written by a drunk vagrant; this is a technique with subtlety on par with being slapped in the face by a shit soaked rag. You think thats just me taking the piss? Ok, well consider that Cameron wrote (stole) this script 12 years ago, he just needed to wait for the technology to catch up so he could make the planet of Pandora appear the way he wanted it to in his head. This man systematically waited 12 years just to release a rehashed script, and he waited because he knew it was a copy, and he needed enough bright lights to distract everybody. That my friends is an evil, evil man.

The plot is the biggest problem, around an hour into Avatar I got a wee bit confused and had to convince myself I hadn't seen this film before, well at least not with giant blue people in it. Essentially this is the same plot as The Last Samurai...and Pocohontus... and Last of the Mohicans...and Millers Crossing, only it is in the future, and there are giant smurf motherfuckers who we humans need to move to get at some sweet sweet something or other. Sam Worthington plays Jake Sully, the dude asked to infiltrate the blue folk as his Avatar, and find out how to destroy them. But holy fuck shit, he falls in love/is some kind of messiah/ is fucking useless at his job/loves having his legs back too much, and basically shit gets live. So poor lil Jake is torn between the world he shares with us boring old human folk, and the one he is adopting into with his giant forest friends, awwwwwwwww FUCK OOOOFF!!! Jesus this story line is overused, the only reason I kept watching is because I was waiting for the part of the film that Empire magazine promised would make me jizz everywhere with it's pure awesomeness. The part of the film I am talking about is the final battle between the shitty humans and the stubborn blue folk; and if I am being honest, the final 40 minutes do almost make up for how ridiculously ordinary the rest of the film was. It is pure awesome bareback riding a steed of badass. And if I every watch this film again, I will probably skip to this bit and just forget/deny that anything existed before this final cluster fuck of cool. And however much I want to say "don't bother racing out to see this film" I really can't, as that final part of the film made me want to give James Cameron a reach around, and not just for courtesies sake.

There are strong performances by some in this film, Zoe Saldana and Stephen Lang being notable ones. In fact, i liked Lang's character of Colonel Miles Quaritch the most, partly because he was a huuuuuge asshole (and who doesn't love an asshole?) and partly because he wants to blow everything up all the time, every time, and as the first port of call. Likely a typical day in the Quaritch household

Mrs Quaritch : Oh no, Miles...Miles, Rusty is choking on something! I think he has swallowed his chewy toy

Miles Quaritch : Fucking Sweet

Mrs Quaritch : What? Sweet? Miles he is dying (sob) I am going to call the vet (runs to phone) Hello, yes I need a vet please, my dog is choking and he needs help...no... no Miles.... Miles...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?

Miles Quaritch (with cigar between his teeth) : Whats it look like woman, I am using a small explosive device to open the bastards throat up and then il machine gun the shit out of that chewy toy so he can breath!

Mrs Quaritch : wha.... but tha......i don't under...... (faints)

Miles Quaritch : Ok Rusty, dont worry, you won't feel a thing, now I am just going to hide behind these sandbags. Stay...staaaayyyy. stay. good boy

But No, no I am determined to be unimpressed by this movie, I will NOT be sucked into the hype, I do have an independent opinion I do I do Idoidoidoidoido. Yeah Fuck You James Cameron, fuck you for ripping off a story Hollywood has used at least 5 times already; fuck you for having a multi million dollar budget and having giant smurfs as the best your brainstorming board meetings could come up with; fuck you for making this whole 3D movement bigger, and mostly FUCK YOU for making me have bad thoughts about an 8ft tall blue space fairy. Zoe Saldana, blue or not, is fine, and i would hit that all up which way, but it does feel a little wrong when she is an alien from another fucking planet. But i do believe The Hurt Locker already fucked you...at the Oscars, so my work has been done for me. Oh and I hope you feel good lining your pockets with all that money James, as the world has paid more money to watch your film than they have paid towards the relief effort in Haiti. I hope you never sleep again you bastard.

Aaaanyways, till next time

Peace

The Fantastic Mr Fox, Making It Hard For Me To Hate Wes Anderson

Ahhhh Wes Anderson ... how I am meant to hate you so. Not only do you look like a Swedish pedophile, but you are insistent on making films so quirky whenever I watch them I feel like I have accidently dropped acid tabs. So as I started watching The Fantastic Mr Fox, I had my doubts, doubts that by the end of the film had dispersed into thin air; as this film is one I could watch again and again and maybe one day it will make me like you.

The Fantastic Mr Fox is the story of, um ... Mr Fox, who is fantastic, shit, the title kind of sums it up. But basically he is like the Daniel Ocean of the animal world. He makes a living out of stealing poultry from local farms, and he is proud of his work. This is until one day he and his wife are captured in the middle of a job, and she forces him to retire early, before she has their baby cub. Mr Fox is totally whipped so agrees and starts slumming it in a local paper as a columnist. Aaaaaaanyway, some stuff happens and after the move to his new tree, Mr Fox decides he wants to do 'one last job', what a classic story line that is, on these three farmers who live across the way! He hears they are all proper tools and he considers this job a challenge and a crowning moment on his storied career. So the plot is set, and Mr Fox starts lifting shit better than Winona Ryder on speed, in the process, kicking all three farmers in the piss pipe. Shit gets mad real, when one of the bitch ass farmers reckons that he can get all up in Mr Fox's shit and out smart him etc etc. I won't ruin the story from then on, but suffice to say its super fucking sweet.

I liked so many things about this film, I shall begin with the use of stop motion, which I have to give Wes mad props for; in a day when films like Avatar is breaking box office records by flooding our faces with CGI and more explosions than you can see at Roland Emmerich's birthday party, it is truly refreshing to see the good ol' method of stop motion gracing our screens once more. It adds a charm to the film that would have been lost if it was filmed in the same style as Disney Pixar and all those other animated movies that have been released over the last decade. In my opinion far more films should be made with stop motion technology, its awesome, to the freaking max; and shooting the film with 12 frames per second instead of the regulation 24, to further highlight the feel of the technique, was a move of genius.

My favourite thing about this film however, is simply how many times it made me laugh, there are loads of little, recurring themes that are so well captured and work so well, for instance; the way the characters sometimes slip into their "wild animal" state, when usually they are civilized and almost human in their behavior. We first see this when Mr Fox (voiced by George Clooney, who has, without a doubt, one of the best voices in the world, he is like Morgan Freeman, but .. well ... white) visiting his Lawyer, Mr Badger (voiced by The Wes Anderson regular, and everyones favourite, Bill Murray) and they discuss Mr Fox's purchase of a new home (tree). The conversation is civilized until a small dispute breaks out and they suddenly start snarling and scratching at each other, and then as suddenly as it began, they stop, and return to normal conversation. I hate to call it "random", as that word is used too much at the moment, but it truly was funny because it was so random. This element of the "wild animal" in the characters resurfaces throughout the film, and every damn time it does its funny, without fail. My favourite bit is when Mr Fox is served toast for breakfast by his wife and he very nicely says "thank you dear" and then without warning starts manically nomming and ripping up that plate o' toast before a few seconds later its all over gone, well apart from the bits that have flown all over the table. Mr Fox's son, voiced by Jason Schwartzman, is constant comic gold, with almost all of his lines being delivered perfectly, and his seething jealously towards his cousin portrayed perfectly in the animation, with his weird lil features scowling almost constantly when he is around him.

One thing I wonder is why Owen Wilson was pegged as one of the main cast members in all the advertising, he only has around 5 minutes of screen time (as the coach of the local Whackbat team) i'm not digging into Wilson, as this was one of the funniest parts of the film, when he explains the rules of the game to Kristofferson Silverfox, but I don't see how he made it onto the advertising campaign and Michael Gambon did'nt, even though he is a much more important character. But I shouldn't complain too much over such trivial shit to be honest.

Everything from the weird lil cameo from Jarvis Cocker, to the sounds of Michael Gambon (voicing the evil mastermind farmer, Franklin Bean), to the animation of dogs passing out from poisoned blue berries (you'll see) make this adaptation of the Roald Dahl book a truly rewarding watch, and I demand that you all go out right now and watch this movie, NOW DAMN YOU! Seriously your missing out on a film which in all honesty, should have shat all over Up! at the Oscars, but got mad snubbage for some reason. And Mr Anderson (Wes, not Neo) I am sorry for thinking all you films have been weird and overly quirky in the past, although I suppose this one is too, it's just I want to suggest you make all your films in this same style in the future, it just works better than doing it with the actors being on screen, as the puppets used are quirky in themselves so your crazy films channel well through them!

But yeah, enough about that

Till next time

Peace

The Blind Siding Of Michael Oher

Yeah I know it has only been a day, but I have to post again, I am pretty sure I will be addicted to reviewing films by the end of the week, if I'm not already. But this review comes with an angry streak, as I will be reviewing The Blind Side, the film that Sandra Bullock somehow managed to win a Best Actress Oscar for (she has a fantastic ass, but her acting talent makes me want to bleach my retinas off). I was really up for seeing The Blind Side as I had read a few articles on the internet stating that Michael Oher (who the story is based on) refused to watch it as he didn't like the way he was being depicted on screen. Admittedly at first I thought he was just being too sensitive, I mean, how insulting could Hollywood be? How badly could they screw up this great story of personal struggle through adversity and the triumph accomplished by Mr Oher. Well let me explain...

Michael Oher is an American Football player, currently playing for the Baltimore Ravens (fighting the urge to go on a massive I love the Ravens rant), and once you hear his story, you will realise it does not need embellishment to be any more gripping. Coming from some down trodden ghetto family, Michael was one son in 14 children, his father deserted his family when Michael was young and his Mother was like a mad drug fiend yo. But Michael finally decided this was mad amounts of whack and thought "fuck this noise" so decided the best way to make something of himself was to use his freakish size and athletic ability to smash some punk ass faces on the Football gridiron. Turns out he was quite good (he was around 6ft and 18 stone by the age of 15 - pretty much all muscle too) and he took pleasure in destroying the souls of any noob who tried to better him on the pitch and he is now in the NFL earning bare paper innit.

The film of his life so far, The Blind Side (so named after Michael's biography, published in 2007 - i think) chronicles in startling inaccuracy the story of Michael Oher. Let me begin with the role of the Tuhoys. The Tuhoys were a wealthy family who took Oher into their home and later legally adopted him, and indeed were a major influence in his life; they are great people and Oher has openly said he owes alot of what he has accomplished to them. Except the makers of The Blind Side had this brain storm in their board meeting

Hollywood Douche 1 : Well what about the Tuhoys? how shall we portray them? I mean, they were such good Samaritans, taking in Mr Oher, and should be shown as such in the film. Also we need to cast someone the audience can feel in tune with, someone homely...mmmmm

Hollywood Douche 2 : Ooooooor we could make them seem like slave owning southerners. Yes thats defiantly a better idea

Hollywood Douche 1 : oooooo edgy

Hollywood Douche 2 : I KNOW, right? and instead of an actress and actor the audience can believe, lets get Sandra Bullock in, she's useless, how fun would that be to watch?! And whilst were at it, lets throw all the shit at the fan and get a fucking country singer...maybe Tim fucking McGraw in to play the husband. Fuck i'm a genius

Hollywood Douche 1 : ............................................... (his brain exploded from how edgy he thought this idea was)

So basically the Tuhoys (who should have been portrayed as the awesome machs that they are) are portrayed as rich, severely right wing assholes with annoying children, who only look after Michael in the interest of grooming him into the next great player for their Alma Mata; and only give Michael an open choice after they come under investigation for said grooming. By that time, who cares, he already wants to go to Old Miss (the university they wanted him to go to). Also the film tries to convince us that Michael Oher had not played American Football before he met them, which is of course, A COMPLETE FUCKING LIE. He had been playing football for bloody years before he met them. Well done Hollywood, well fucking done indeed.

I really don't want to get started on how Oher was presented. Here is a typical extract of his dialogue

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : Micheal...Micheal, what clothes do you want?

Michael Oher : ERGGHHHGHGHHGH can i leave now?

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : No Micheal you need new clothes

Michael Oher : DAARARRRRRRR i don't know (squirms nervously on the spot like a massive tard)

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : Oh Michael what are we to do with you? i know i will buy you a huge ass fucking truck, thats a great idea, will that make you love me and convince you to go to Old Miss?

Michael Oher : aaarrrrrrGGGGG Michael like drive. BRUM BRUUUUUUUUUMMMM

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : good boy

Seriously they made him seem like he had an IQ on par with an X factor contestant. It was disgraceful. You can watch interviews with Michael Oher (try www.baltimoreravens.com or www.nfl.com) and you can tell he is an educated and intellectual person. But noooooooooooooooo, we couldn't have that could we, we need to make him a huge sack of desperate hopelessness so the audience feels sorry for the 6ft 4" 300lb Rain Man character. Oh thats defiantly a better idea (slow clap)

Maybe I am being a tad harsh on this film, but seriously I don't care, Oher's story was good enough already, you didn't even need to write a fucking script, just take direct quotes from the book you freaking tards, or if you must change the story and write that script, at least spare me the pain of watching the film and just have every shot as a close up of Sandra Bullocks cleavage and/or tremendous ass. I am glad that Oher still has not seen this film, and so should the Producer, Director and the entire crew of The Blind Side. I know for one, that I don't want the man you can see at the top f this post coming after me for making him the 2nd coming of I Am Sam...

Yeah didn't think so

By all means, watch The Blind Side to see if you agree with me, but to be perfectly honest I won't give it a review because it is a huge pile of steaming turd. I almost had a brain aneurysm when I saw Bullock got Best Actress for her performance, it made me want to jump out a fucking window. Anyway, rant over...fuck The Blind Side

P.S - GO RAVENS!!

Till next time

Peace

Why The Hurt Locker Made My Face Explode

So basically my housemate Steph starting her own blog made me remember i had set one up ages ago and totally forgot about it, probably through an alcohol induced haze my mind just pushed it to the back, in priority order; behind what drink to drink next, what film to watch next or just random daydreaming. But now here it is, a film review for you!

The wonderful thing about the Oscars is that some great films are all released in close succession in the run up, to try and peak for the awards bash, so I shall review one of those films, one that was nominated for a few awards and pretty much cleaned up and punched James Cameron straight in the crotch, The Hurt Locker.

Believe it or not some misguided fools told me beforehand that it wasn't that good, so i almost didn't watch it...needless to say I am glad I don't ever listen to anyone...ever. Kathryn Bigelow's Iraq war drama is so totally badass I don't know if I can really do it justice. To give you some idea, imagine Sly Stallone giving Jean Claude Van Damme a piggy back, whilst duel wielding M16s and shooting grenades out his ass (YEAH, that kinda badass).

It is centered around a US army bomb squad in Iraq, and their constant duel with the guerilla explosives they deal with on a daily basis. I was really excited from the first minute, as i thought the incredible Guy Pearce was going to be in it, and he is undoubtably one of the most kick ass actors I have ever seen; but around 8 minutes in he gets his face blown off by a bomb. Way to go Guy, you noob. But to my delight he was replaced by everybody's favourite kind of protagonist... the man with giant shiny titanium balls who seems to want to get blown up. What a breath of fresh air. Staff Sergeant William James (played brilliantly by Jeremy Renner) is that man, a seemingly loose cannon who is so talented he manages to get away with being a dumb shit approximately 100% of the time. Anthony Mackie (who I have kept my eye on ever since She Hate Me) plays Sergeant JT Sanborn who is trying to come to terms with the loss of his mentor (the pile of bones and flesh that is now Guy Pearce) and at the same time trying to keep a leash on the bulldozing dick weed William James who he has now found in his squad. Thats the basic premise of the film, and it works, brilliantly, and heres why...

Bigelow does an amazing job at simulating the tension that the characters are feeling; seconds from death at every turn, at any second, and the bleak setting where anybody could potentially be a mad shoe bomber, and any object could essentially be rigged to blow their asses clean off. She performs a brilliant juggling act between paranoid red herring threats and the very literal, obvious threat of a bomb going off to pump the "shit your pants" gauge to maximum in almost every scene. My favourite being the scene where the squad are pinned down with some seemingly fucking useless SAS soldiers, being kept down by sniper fire. The steam coming off the sand, distorting the view, the constant threat of having a bullet say hello to the inner membranes of their brains, the rapidly depleting supplies of liquids (which you kind of need in the middle of the desert) all add up to create a hot box of tension that would have had me on the edge of my seat, if i wasnt laying in my bed whilst i was watching it. But needless to say it was some tense shit.

I will try not to ruin the plot too much for anybody who hasn't seen this film yet, but to help you convince you, I will massively spoil the ending (yeah i know, I'm a dick), i kind of have to just to explain how ball crushingly awesome it is. We have all the soldiers making it through their tours, finally managing to get out of the hell hole that they were in, and we are with Staff Sergeant William James at his crib. Imagine you were him, you have just stared Death in the face daily for a year and a bit, and every time given him the finger and pissed on his gran; you make it home to your super hot wife and baby son, what would you do? kick back with a beer and watch some tv? have some sweet post war sex? yeah me too. But nooooooo, not William James, NO!! he decides TO FUCKING VOLUNTEER AND GO BACK INTO THE FREAKING WARZONE! wtf? thats some massive fucking nads right there. All hail William James, the biggest badass of this years Academy nominated films.

Well basically yeah, go see this film, if you haven't already, and even if you have, watch it again damn you. I insist. And just as a side note: nothing against Avatar, it was great to look at and all, but anybody who claims it got snubbed at the Oscars by this film, is a massive tool. The Hurt Locker was better written, better directed, superiorly acted and just plain better than Avatar. James Cameron's wet dream flick was ok, i enjoyed it, but mostly because of the last 40 minutes where everyone gets shot. The actually story is Cameron taking the plots of Pocohontas, Millers Crossing, The Last Samurai and The Last Mohican and adding Giant Smurfs. thats it. Get over it. Avatar won the awards it deserves, for special effects and all that. But to put it in terms you can understand, Hurt Locker is like a 8ft tall bear and Avatar is a canary. And the bear is fucking the canary, in the face.

Anyway, till next time

Peace