See him? right there at the top of this post? thats how I felt whilst watching this film.
Here are two plot changes that would have made Twilight: New Moon watchable
1) 13 minutes in Bella goes to the Cullen household for her birthday, but its a trap, Edward bites her head off. They all nom down on Bella and have a great ol' meat feast.
or
2) at 23 minutes in we hear this exchange:
Edward - LOLZ, you is dumped yeah! ROFL pwned
Bella - WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (kills herself)
Both these scenarios equal a massive win, as it prevents the audience from having to experience the most painful 130 minutes of their lives. To put it in physical terms, watching Twilight: New Moon is on par with being repeatedly smacked in the face with a cricket bat. So to review this film...mmmmmmm......
The basic story is, Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) is a tard. She is in love with Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) who is a vampire. Yeah a vampire. He and his family of blood suckers have to leave town as they don't age, and although Americans are not the smartest tools in the shed, they notice when you haven't aged a day in 10 years. Bella reckons this idea is ridiculous amounts of whack as she like, totally loves him yeah. So after he pisses off she settles into her new life of being a normal human, she gets a boyfriend at her local school, they grow old together and she dies a happy woman. Oh...wait...no? Did I get that wrong? Oh yeah, I remember, no, of course, when I say she lived a normal life, what she actually does is this; she starts looking for adrenaline rushes so Edward pops up in her weird lil' imagination, she ignores all her friends and she gets right on her dad's tits by having stupid nightmares which make her scream like a rape victim. Speaking of rape, thats where she goes for her first adrenaline rush, by hopping onto the back of some random hairy bikers motorcycle and getting taken down a dark alley. Thankfully she changes her mind when she gets a weird vision of Eddy boy who says "Bella, why are you being such an insufferable twat?" and she gets this dude to turn the bike around and take her back to her mate. There is something very very wrong with Bella. To top all this off she then starts dating a werewolf called Jacob, (really Bella? REALLY????) and he is not the biggest fan of the vampire folk. So now Bella is torn between her two fucked up fairy tale boyfriends and she is mad confused yo. I would go on, but this story-line makes me want to vom everywhere.
Il just get right into it and tell you everything thats wrong with this film. First on the agenda is Kristen Stewart's acting ability (well at least I think she was trying to act?!). She approaches the script with about as much enthusiasm as I put into controlling my drinking. All her lines are delivered as if the director is holding a gun to her parent's heads, and unless she says something, they get hot lead all up in their craniums; even lines that are meant to have an element of comedy or emotion, are all delivered with the same god awful monotone and the twitchy jaw. OH MY SWEET JESUS THE TWITCHY JAW. Everytime I see her speak I want to rip her face off, her mouth is that annoying.
Secondly is the weird effort put in to have topless teenage men in as many shots as possible. Yeah I get they are werewolves, but why do werewolves have to be bloody half naked all the time? That just makes zero sense, put some clothes on the poor bastards.
Thirdly, the whole story is stupid. Bella would never be able to get these two guys fighting over her, because after they both spent 5 minutes in her presence they would realise she is about as interesting as Blu-Tac; she literally just stands around gurning and squirming on the spot, being awkward and trying not to bite her own tongue off.
Fourthly, nothing in the plot is interesting. I genuinely did not care what happened to anybody (see possible scenarios at beginning of rant) and by the end I kind of wished Jacob and Edward would have a badass final battle or something, preferably where Edward gets his throat ripped out, but alas, two more films from the quadrilogy of shit must first be unleashed on the world.
Fourthly, they wasted great actors like Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning, by putting them in stupidly minor roles. It was just embarrassing to see them in this film to be honest.
Fifthly, the vampires don't die from contact with sunlight, like you know...like they are meant to. Oh no that would ruin the story, so the author of the books decided that they should just sparkle, like pretty diamondy instruments of death, when they get caught in the rays. This is the most retarded thing in the whole series actually. If you are going to make vampire fiction, at least make it scary and badass and awesome. Don't make them BLOODY SPARKLE!!!!
I won't go on, you get the idea...
And on a side note, poor Robert Pattinson (who I have dubbed Rob Pats), who may acually be able to act, but he is tied down by an awful script, shoddy camerawork, and just by being surrounded by huge amounts of...of...bad! just lots of bad.
I only watched this film because I wanted to try and prove to people (*Cough* Charlotte) that this film is shite. So I hope this helped
Don't see this film, for your own sake, your own sanity, just stay way away from anything Twilight.
Till next time
Peace
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