The Blind Siding Of Michael Oher

Yeah I know it has only been a day, but I have to post again, I am pretty sure I will be addicted to reviewing films by the end of the week, if I'm not already. But this review comes with an angry streak, as I will be reviewing The Blind Side, the film that Sandra Bullock somehow managed to win a Best Actress Oscar for (she has a fantastic ass, but her acting talent makes me want to bleach my retinas off). I was really up for seeing The Blind Side as I had read a few articles on the internet stating that Michael Oher (who the story is based on) refused to watch it as he didn't like the way he was being depicted on screen. Admittedly at first I thought he was just being too sensitive, I mean, how insulting could Hollywood be? How badly could they screw up this great story of personal struggle through adversity and the triumph accomplished by Mr Oher. Well let me explain...

Michael Oher is an American Football player, currently playing for the Baltimore Ravens (fighting the urge to go on a massive I love the Ravens rant), and once you hear his story, you will realise it does not need embellishment to be any more gripping. Coming from some down trodden ghetto family, Michael was one son in 14 children, his father deserted his family when Michael was young and his Mother was like a mad drug fiend yo. But Michael finally decided this was mad amounts of whack and thought "fuck this noise" so decided the best way to make something of himself was to use his freakish size and athletic ability to smash some punk ass faces on the Football gridiron. Turns out he was quite good (he was around 6ft and 18 stone by the age of 15 - pretty much all muscle too) and he took pleasure in destroying the souls of any noob who tried to better him on the pitch and he is now in the NFL earning bare paper innit.

The film of his life so far, The Blind Side (so named after Michael's biography, published in 2007 - i think) chronicles in startling inaccuracy the story of Michael Oher. Let me begin with the role of the Tuhoys. The Tuhoys were a wealthy family who took Oher into their home and later legally adopted him, and indeed were a major influence in his life; they are great people and Oher has openly said he owes alot of what he has accomplished to them. Except the makers of The Blind Side had this brain storm in their board meeting

Hollywood Douche 1 : Well what about the Tuhoys? how shall we portray them? I mean, they were such good Samaritans, taking in Mr Oher, and should be shown as such in the film. Also we need to cast someone the audience can feel in tune with, someone homely...mmmmm

Hollywood Douche 2 : Ooooooor we could make them seem like slave owning southerners. Yes thats defiantly a better idea

Hollywood Douche 1 : oooooo edgy

Hollywood Douche 2 : I KNOW, right? and instead of an actress and actor the audience can believe, lets get Sandra Bullock in, she's useless, how fun would that be to watch?! And whilst were at it, lets throw all the shit at the fan and get a fucking country singer...maybe Tim fucking McGraw in to play the husband. Fuck i'm a genius

Hollywood Douche 1 : ............................................... (his brain exploded from how edgy he thought this idea was)

So basically the Tuhoys (who should have been portrayed as the awesome machs that they are) are portrayed as rich, severely right wing assholes with annoying children, who only look after Michael in the interest of grooming him into the next great player for their Alma Mata; and only give Michael an open choice after they come under investigation for said grooming. By that time, who cares, he already wants to go to Old Miss (the university they wanted him to go to). Also the film tries to convince us that Michael Oher had not played American Football before he met them, which is of course, A COMPLETE FUCKING LIE. He had been playing football for bloody years before he met them. Well done Hollywood, well fucking done indeed.

I really don't want to get started on how Oher was presented. Here is a typical extract of his dialogue

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : Micheal...Micheal, what clothes do you want?

Michael Oher : ERGGHHHGHGHHGH can i leave now?

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : No Micheal you need new clothes

Michael Oher : DAARARRRRRRR i don't know (squirms nervously on the spot like a massive tard)

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : Oh Michael what are we to do with you? i know i will buy you a huge ass fucking truck, thats a great idea, will that make you love me and convince you to go to Old Miss?

Michael Oher : aaarrrrrrGGGGG Michael like drive. BRUM BRUUUUUUUUUMMMM

Leigh Anne Tuhoy : good boy

Seriously they made him seem like he had an IQ on par with an X factor contestant. It was disgraceful. You can watch interviews with Michael Oher (try www.baltimoreravens.com or www.nfl.com) and you can tell he is an educated and intellectual person. But noooooooooooooooo, we couldn't have that could we, we need to make him a huge sack of desperate hopelessness so the audience feels sorry for the 6ft 4" 300lb Rain Man character. Oh thats defiantly a better idea (slow clap)

Maybe I am being a tad harsh on this film, but seriously I don't care, Oher's story was good enough already, you didn't even need to write a fucking script, just take direct quotes from the book you freaking tards, or if you must change the story and write that script, at least spare me the pain of watching the film and just have every shot as a close up of Sandra Bullocks cleavage and/or tremendous ass. I am glad that Oher still has not seen this film, and so should the Producer, Director and the entire crew of The Blind Side. I know for one, that I don't want the man you can see at the top f this post coming after me for making him the 2nd coming of I Am Sam...

Yeah didn't think so

By all means, watch The Blind Side to see if you agree with me, but to be perfectly honest I won't give it a review because it is a huge pile of steaming turd. I almost had a brain aneurysm when I saw Bullock got Best Actress for her performance, it made me want to jump out a fucking window. Anyway, rant over...fuck The Blind Side

P.S - GO RAVENS!!

Till next time

Peace