Who Knew Apartheid Could Be So Entertaining?!

South Africans are funny people; they have funny accents, they have funny views on the world, and for some reason they are supremely racist. Apartheid officially ended in 1994, although instances of "petty" apartheid still remain in some political parties ideals, and it is a subject which is hard to approach, being very fresh in many peoples memories. However, if it wasn't fresh in the memory of Neill Blomkamp, we may not have the ability to enjoy District 9, a film which should have been released in November, then it would have won the best picture Oscar, but then again, if they waited till then they would have denied the world an extra 2 months of this brilliant films existence, which would have been a crime punishable by castration if it was up to me. No other film I saw in 2009 or in January 2010 has been as mind blowingly, ball crushingly, tears of pure joy awesome as District 9 (no i don't care about any of your opinions before you start to argue, its the double truth...Ruth!)

I don't really know where to begin, but my brain tells me the beginning is a logical choice. The set up is, that an alien spacecraft came to earth and managed to settle itself directly above Johannesburg (oh yeah, great fucking choice, everything I expected in the realm of extra terrestrial intelligence, I now have to double check, as that is the last place anybody should want to go). The alien craft just hovered there doing bollocks all for ages so the Boks on the ground decided to go see what the hippity hap was up in the space shipizzle; all they found was millions of malnourished and desperate aliens, that they dubbed "Prawns" due to them looking like...well...like prawns really. So some bright butt plug had the genius idea to bring them all down to earth and give them a guided tour kinda thing, and by guided tour I mean locking them up in shanty towns and policing everything they do, stripping them of all their rights, and basically putting them under a lovely oppressive umbrella of apartheid. Obviously the local Joburgians (or whatever the fuck you call someone from Joburg) are not too happy about this, i mean, this was THEIR shitty city full of crime and death and just general shitness, and why should they have to share that with all these alien folk right?! So the decision is made to relocate all the Prawns to isolated camps to keep them segregated from the humans. The man charged with quarterbacking this turd of an idea is Mr Wikus Van De Merwe, a total bumbling idiot of a twat who has no idea whats going on half the time, and only got the job as he is married to the daughter of the CEO of the company who happens to run all things Prawn related. And so we get punted into the story full speed ahead...

The first 30 minutes of District 9 is shot in a mockumentary style, and is chock full of some of the best type of comedy; that is dry as a nuns woo woo and as dark as Jeremy Clarkson's belly button. We also get introduced to the talents of Sharlto Copley who plays the colossal idiot Wikus Van De Merwe, and is somebody who has some serious natural acting talent, in fact, in this first third of the film he ad libs all of his lines! This is a man who had never acted before, never really planned on picking acting as a career, but hes like "fuck this noise, and your script, its Sharlto time bitches!" and so just starts waxing lyrical all over the camera mans face...and camera...obviously. He is bloody good at it too, having all the best moments and funniest lines and generally just being a good watch. Also he has one of the funniest South African accents ever, he sounds like Nelson Mandela's son, if big Nels went to Amsterdamn, got baked off his face and had unprotected sex with a hooker, this would be what that son sounds like. We follow Wikus as he is appointed chief Prawn kicker outer and also have the brief history of the alien presence explained to us through a series of mock news reels and interviews with journalists, politicians and Wickus' family members. We then see Wickus as he goes around the slums of District 9 (the name of the Prawn's enclosure) as he attempts to hand out eviction notices to the residents in their huts. In the process, he stumbles across a weapons cache hidden in one of the huts and, being a massive MASSIVE tit, manages to spray some crazy alien goo jizz in his face (slow clap for Wickus everybody), and then shit gets real live, I won't go on as that would be massive spoilerville.

So the ways that this film is badass? Lets start with the use of CGI, by that I mean how it is used as it should be, to compliment the story and acting on screen, not to dominate the films plot, and take over the entire production. Obviously all the Prawns and their spacecraft is rendered with CGI, but the way that they interact with the humans on screen is so well done you believe that this is actually happening. Even better is the way we can discern their feelings and emotions through their funny lil' faces, which is a great achievement considering they have strange tentacle things hanging all over the shop and the only clear thing we can see is their eyes. This is why CGI was made, to convince audiences that out of this world shit is real on screen, and even though Blomkamp could have gotten carried away and started spraying computer generated shite all over every frame, he doesn't, which I think is admirable (yeah Im looking at you James Cameron you tard!)
Secondly I should mention how in a film industry chock a block with remakes and adaptations, District 9 is a refreshing and new idea, providing a personal commentary on a serious issue such as apartheid, and yet the message doesn't become depressing (and think about it, apartheid could become very depressing faster than Paris Hilton's knickers come off), a feat that is managed by removing the human aspect and replacing that aspect with aliens, so the audience doesn't feel removed from the issues, just unfamiliar with the subjects involved.
Thirdly, there are some parts that were so ridunkulously awesome I was collecting a puddle of drool on my chest by the end of the film. For instance, the weapons the aliens have, there is an adaptation of that gravity gun thing from Half Life 2, which we see towards the end of the film; at one point it is used to pick up a live pig and promptly hurls said swine at a dude, who gets killed by having a bacon to cranium collision. Imagine that on the gravestone! "Here lies Generic Soldier Type 433, who was unable to avoid a pig flying at his face" God that would be embarrassing for the family. Then there is a gun that fires some kind of lightening bolt at people and they unceremoniously explode into millions of tiny lil' bits; so your standing there firing your gun having a jolly old time, and then before you know it your splattered over every surface in a 30 yard radius including in your team mates mouth. Basically just some badass shit that makes me want to get into the gun designing industry just to make some of that stuff possible.

Well done South Africa, your tard face policies of the 20th century did indeed oppress a nation for around half a decade, but they also inspired this film, which you all must go watch immediately! LIKE NOW ASSHOLES! And then you will know for yourselves how fucking jizztastic District 9 is! (Note: I can't be held legally responsible if your eyes explode from witnessing all the awesomeness displayed in this film. If you feel them swelling, just press pause to let them calm down and then continue!)

Anyway
Till next time
Peace