I am going to try my hardest not to completely lose my shit with this one, and also make an effort not to insult seemingly every member of the movie viewing public by saying this ... Avatar was ... ... meh?!
The way some people have been going on about James Cameron's latest blockbuster you would think it was the best thing to happen to cinema since sound. But in all honesty it was just...ok. I can see the appeal, i understand why it broke records in becoming the highest grossing film of all time, because even I can't deny it is impressive visually, and thats a gross understatement; but in terms of plot, dialogue and acting I just wasn't sold. On second thought it is entirely possible that Cameron only got the budget he got after he admitted he had to distract everybody from the turd of a film he had come up with; dazzling us with enough CGI to cause eyegasms the world over, yet causing us to ignore the fact that he stole the plot and the script could have been written by a drunk vagrant; this is a technique with subtlety on par with being slapped in the face by a shit soaked rag. You think thats just me taking the piss? Ok, well consider that Cameron wrote (stole) this script 12 years ago, he just needed to wait for the technology to catch up so he could make the planet of Pandora appear the way he wanted it to in his head. This man systematically waited 12 years just to release a rehashed script, and he waited because he knew it was a copy, and he needed enough bright lights to distract everybody. That my friends is an evil, evil man.
The plot is the biggest problem, around an hour into Avatar I got a wee bit confused and had to convince myself I hadn't seen this film before, well at least not with giant blue people in it. Essentially this is the same plot as The Last Samurai...and Pocohontus... and Last of the Mohicans...and Millers Crossing, only it is in the future, and there are giant smurf motherfuckers who we humans need to move to get at some sweet sweet something or other. Sam Worthington plays Jake Sully, the dude asked to infiltrate the blue folk as his Avatar, and find out how to destroy them. But holy fuck shit, he falls in love/is some kind of messiah/ is fucking useless at his job/loves having his legs back too much, and basically shit gets live. So poor lil Jake is torn between the world he shares with us boring old human folk, and the one he is adopting into with his giant forest friends, awwwwwwwww FUCK OOOOFF!!! Jesus this story line is overused, the only reason I kept watching is because I was waiting for the part of the film that Empire magazine promised would make me jizz everywhere with it's pure awesomeness. The part of the film I am talking about is the final battle between the shitty humans and the stubborn blue folk; and if I am being honest, the final 40 minutes do almost make up for how ridiculously ordinary the rest of the film was. It is pure awesome bareback riding a steed of badass. And if I every watch this film again, I will probably skip to this bit and just forget/deny that anything existed before this final cluster fuck of cool. And however much I want to say "don't bother racing out to see this film" I really can't, as that final part of the film made me want to give James Cameron a reach around, and not just for courtesies sake.
There are strong performances by some in this film, Zoe Saldana and Stephen Lang being notable ones. In fact, i liked Lang's character of Colonel Miles Quaritch the most, partly because he was a huuuuuge asshole (and who doesn't love an asshole?) and partly because he wants to blow everything up all the time, every time, and as the first port of call. Likely a typical day in the Quaritch household
Mrs Quaritch : Oh no, Miles...Miles, Rusty is choking on something! I think he has swallowed his chewy toy
Miles Quaritch : Fucking Sweet
Mrs Quaritch : What? Sweet? Miles he is dying (sob) I am going to call the vet (runs to phone) Hello, yes I need a vet please, my dog is choking and he needs help...no... no Miles.... Miles...WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
Miles Quaritch (with cigar between his teeth) : Whats it look like woman, I am using a small explosive device to open the bastards throat up and then il machine gun the shit out of that chewy toy so he can breath!
Mrs Quaritch : wha.... but tha......i don't under...... (faints)
Miles Quaritch : Ok Rusty, dont worry, you won't feel a thing, now I am just going to hide behind these sandbags. Stay...staaaayyyy. stay. good boy
But No, no I am determined to be unimpressed by this movie, I will NOT be sucked into the hype, I do have an independent opinion I do I do Idoidoidoidoido. Yeah Fuck You James Cameron, fuck you for ripping off a story Hollywood has used at least 5 times already; fuck you for having a multi million dollar budget and having giant smurfs as the best your brainstorming board meetings could come up with; fuck you for making this whole 3D movement bigger, and mostly FUCK YOU for making me have bad thoughts about an 8ft tall blue space fairy. Zoe Saldana, blue or not, is fine, and i would hit that all up which way, but it does feel a little wrong when she is an alien from another fucking planet. But i do believe The Hurt Locker already fucked you...at the Oscars, so my work has been done for me. Oh and I hope you feel good lining your pockets with all that money James, as the world has paid more money to watch your film than they have paid towards the relief effort in Haiti. I hope you never sleep again you bastard.
Aaaanyways, till next time
Peace
Adversity over Blogging.
ReplyDeletealso, he seems to have stole the names Pandora and Na'vi as they were used in a sci-fi book series by some Russian brothers (can't remember any details at all) in the late 80's. the place was called Pandora, and it was inhabited by tall blue human like creatures called the Na'vi. i read one of the brothers died, and the other is looking into lawsuits!
ReplyDeletesaying that, i saw it at the IMAX and it was pretty incredible. you're right about the story tho, it lacks substance and is generally cliche