Is It Only Me Who Wants To Drown Michaell Cera?

I have had people hassling me to watch and review Youth In Revolt for a while now, and only just got the chance to see it today. I am possibly the biggest Michael Cera critic in the world ever, and seeing as I slipped into a terrible mood just before watching the film probably didn't help his chances of impressing me and changing my mind about him. Couple that with a slight case of writers block and the inability to concentrate on anything and you have a recipe for a terrible review...but I will give it a shot anyway, why the fuck not?!

Michael Cera is the least talented actor ever. I have a strong suspicion that he doesn't yet know he has been in a Hollywood production, as every time he is on screen he seems like a lost puppy and he just wants to go home. He pulls the same awkward shitty little face, and mumbles and stutters his way through all of his shitty little lines in every god damn film he is in and it pisses me right off. The plots always have him playing some indie kid who is a bit "different" and "alternative" and he always falls in love for women who would never actually sleep with him in real life...but hey, its the movies. Whats most retarded is that he wins them over by being a total fucking loser and just making me want to punch him in the throat. Here is a selection of screenshots from his films, try and keep in mind they are all different films, so you can see the diversity of his acting ability...


"ERGHHGHHH look at me.. I have a fucking guitar...erghghgh, look how Indie I am. ERGHRGHRGRHGRH" fuck.right.off. That gormless fucking look on his face is what you are forced to look at in every painful second he is on screen...EVER!

So anyway Youth In Revolt, what to say. It has Michael 'cast me as me' Cera as Nick Twisp, and he is all the things you would expect from Michael Cera, hes a virgin, he likes records, he reads alot, and he creepily obsesses over girls he meets. His life is a bit shit, with his mum being a lil bit of a whore and his Dad not giving him pocket money, and him being a loser and all. So when he goes on a week long trip due to his Mum's boyfriend pissing off some sailors (yes sailors..don't ask, I think it was meant to be funny because it was "random"! Kill me now), he has a chance to meet Sheeni Saunders (Portia Doubleday) who is his dreamgirl and all that. She likes french stuff and she likes records and she is a bit damaged by her overly religious family, but I think more than anything he likes that she has a vagina. Anyway, when the end of the week comes along and Nick has to go home, he and Sheeni develop a plan to re-unite, basically Nick will be a dick and get kicked out of home, and Sheeni will get his Dad a job near her, so when he goes to live with his father he can be awkward around her as much as he wants (and Sheeni already has a boyfriend - SLUT). This is when Nick realises that he needs to discover a side to himself that he has never explored before, the side that looks like this

I don'y know if that look is meant to be funny, like I was meant to find it amusing at how shit his alter ego looked, but what I do know is that by this time I was repeatedly smashing my face against the wall and begging God for mercy...this hurt quite a bit, which made me hate Cera even more. That picture right there is Francois Dillinger, Nick's alter ego who does bad shit; and to be honest he is quite funny, but unfortunately he has around 10 minutes of screen time overall. Basically Nick's plan works and he moves to his Dads new place but it turns out Sheeni is a massive bitch and has moved to some French school. This provokes Nick and Francois to go on a few lame adventures chasing this very average looking girl around California trying to get their dicks wet. Then later there are repercussions for the shit he did to get kicked out of home. Actually, that bit did make me laugh, how he got kicked out I mean; he stole his Mums car which had her recently deceased boyfriends trailer in tow, then Francois set the trailer careening into a coffee shop down a hill, with the words "God's Perfect Asshole" spray painted on the side of it, followed by the car which leaked gasoline all the way down the hill; the ensuing explosion lighting the gasoline leading a neat lil path right to dickhead Nick. I secretly prayed he would burst into flames and the movie would be over. It wasn't. It ended after a horrendous 90 minutes and of course he bangs the chick at the end and we are meant to feel good that it was Nick she wanted all along, not his alter ego Francois. YEAH I RUINED THE ENDING. It doesn't matter, as it is the same as in every other movie he has ever been in., I didn't notice that it was all over at first...my brain had slipped into a coma.

The only good points of the film are some supporting roles from Steve Buschemi, Ray Liotta and Jack Galifianakis, but not even that could make me enjoy anything about the movie. It was meant to be a comedy, you know, created with the intention to cause laughter and generate mirth in the audience; and I laughed exactly twice; when the trailer thing happened, and with happiness when the credits started rolling. There are barely words that explain how much I want to set Michael Cera on fire. What he needs to do, is stop acting in films. Maybe that shit flies on Saturday Night Live mate, but don't bring it to my screens, I have no idea how this dude is so successful! It is ridiculous how anybody could want to hire him in any film, I don't care if he sells you more tickets, is it worth the soul destroying day to day torture of being around him on set and having to hold yourself back from stabbing him in the face with a screwdriver? I don't think so.

Go see this film, just because I had to suffer it, and why should I suffer alone. Fuck

Till next time
Peace