My God I hope you are ready for a rant; as I just watched Valentine's Day. You may think that is a weird choice of film to watch to review, as it is obviously going to be bad; but the MTV movie awards are coming up, and you should see the list of nominees. Let me give you some highlights; Zac Efron is being nominated for best Actor for his performance in 17 Again, as is Channing Tatum for his role in Dear John (I promise you I am not making this shit up) Sandra Bullock is being nominated for Best Comedic Performance for her part in The Proposal and there is a category named Best WTF Moment...I couldn't write this shit, i promise you this is all true. In the Best Film category we have such delights as Twilight: New Moon and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. This stuff makes me want to take a torch to Hollywood studios and everyone at MTV, and their families. I mean, who decides on these nominations? A fucking retarded 15 year old? is that who MTV put in control now? "like OMG totes, maybe we should get Justin Biebs to host?! LOL, that would be so awesome, he is HAWT!" (FUCK YOU ALL!) Secondly, go kill yourselves MTV, everyone there, just go jump out of a window; if you are scared of heights, I will mail you some hemlock or something, just leave this earth forever you hideous affronts to humanity. I chose to watch Valentine's Day as I remember the posters and there were loads of hotties advertised as being in it, so I thought 'even if it is shit, at least there will be lots of nice women to ogle at' but in hindsight it really was not worth it. ,
So, Valentine's Day, where to begin..no really, where do i begin to tell you about this film. It is basically one of those movies aimed at teenagers and young couples at a time of year when they should feel all romantic and such and will want to go see a film that includes elements of romance and maybe some comedy; unfortunately I suspect that anybody who went to see this pile of ass left the cinema, not feeling happy and loved up, but more like they wanted to find the nearest tree to careen their cars into. In Valentine's Day we follow 23 people in the city of LA on the most luvvy dovey day of the year. If any of the characters were at all interesting I would tell you more about them, but none of them are, I pretty much just wanted to stab them all...in the neck. Basically there are loads of singles and loads of couples at the beginning and by the end some of the singles are coupled, some of the couples are single, some of the people are gay and some of the people have kids. None of this interested me. You know what, I can't be bothered to explain to you what happened in this film, I would rather bitch and moan and rant about this shit pile of a movie and get some weight of my chest.
It can be most suitably summed up by a line from the movie, when Ashton Kutcher announces "Its valentines day, you don't think, you just do". How right you are Ashton, you huge tool, because when they brainstormed and green lit Valentine's Day they didn't think, they just did. One stupid thing they did was they tried to get into the whole "intertwining narrative" party that films such as He's Just Not That Into You have done recently and have had success with; only difference is, HJNTIY is an OK film, and the story lines in it have some semblance of real emotion and realistic relationship development; In Valentine's Day we are expected to follow the story of 23 people in just over 2 hours. This means that you never become interested in anybody, as you don't get to see enough of them for them to develop as character; this movie would need to be 7 hours long to work. Another huge mistake they made to piss me off, and a factor that makes me think this film was written by a child or may have just fallen out of Zach Braff's vagina, is that the whole thing is just so retardedly wrong, not one of the relationships is believable, and all of the "intertwining" stories are just clumsily mashed together in a vain effort to try and seem clever. Look, my favourite film is Magnolia, that was a film that knew how to intelligently mesh character arcs, other examples of such narrative can be seen Pulp Fiction and HJNTIY to name two, but these films did it well. Another way to really piss me off is to be needlessly racist, don't get me wrong, I am not at all PC, ask anybody and they will tell you that I enjoy a risque joke or two as much as the next white guy, but Valentine's day is just ridiculous. A likely conversation in the scriptwriters room:
Dickface High School Writer 1 - (Gently stroking cocaine into a regiment of lines on his desk) So we have some black people here, and Jamie Foxx is pulling his weight by being cast as the sporty black guy and he drops some rad black lines, but Queen Latifah really hasn't had much screen time. What can we do with her to make her memorable in the film?
Dickface High School Writer 2 - (Snorts a line and takes a few seconds to recover) WOW, that really is some tremendous blow.. Well...we could have her drop some mad African flavour all over this shit, she has done that before. Doesn't need to be subtle, how about she is on the phone, and she can just spaz out and scream something vaguely African sounding?
Dickface High School Writer 1 - (lifts face from pile of cocaine on table, snorting wildly, trying to gain regain focus on his surroundings) Ummmm...yeah why not, thatll do. But What about the Football guy we have admitting he is gay, I mean we decided that it would be a great idea to avoid making a statement on homosexuality in professional sport, cos, you know, fuck them fags *note: this would have been a good way to give your film some weight and semblance* how about we round his story of by having that Foxx guy make a really juvenile queer joke on his news broadcast, i dunno, something like "I am behind you Sean jackson...not physically though" (giggles like a school girl)
Dickface High School Writer 2 - (carefully stuffing his nose with at least 8 rolled banknotes) oh yeah that should be fine, I doyn't want to pay much attention the the gay bit of the story anyways, that shit makes me super uncomfortable yo!
Writer With Brains - Guys, don't you think that this project is shit enough without us throwing all this really racist, ignorant and clumsy dialogue into the mix?
Dickfaces - SHUT UP YOU HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL SWINE
Writer With Brains - (sits in chair and begins trying to eat own arm out of frustration)
Your average Hollywood screenwriter
Lastly, I have much more but I can't go on too long, I should mention the way the film has been advertised and the comment on the target audience. For one, they decided to totally ignore the only people over the age of 40 in the film when it came to the promotional poster, probably because...well...fuck them, they are old and how could we ever get a super shiny MTV fucking award with those old shits all over our ad campaign? (one of whom was Shirley MacLaine, thats right, the Hollywood fucking legend with more talent than anybody in the film can't make the promotional poster as she is a bit old).
Not Pictured: Anybody interesting
"I wonder why this film makes me want to die? It was meant to be happy!"
If you see this film in your local rental, or you see it on TV in the future, just don't watch it. No...just No...So Much NO! It ain't even worth it!
Till next time
Peace
you did not like it then?
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