Forget Communism, Look At The Lovely Scenery....And This KICK TO THE FACE!!!!

Yeah I am about to write my second review of the day, I don't know how long this blog will be up for, so time is of ze essence!! Im a little bit tipsy now, I have taken the dog for a walk and I am waiting for my man Don Juan Ryan and my sister to turn up so I can get suitably drunk. Until then I am here, pouring the booze off my soul and onto your eyes!! Does that make sense? I don't know! I don't care!

Essentially what I am doing to your eyes right now

I have chosen to review another film I saw recently at the cinema, which is The Karate Kid! Whenever that phrase is mentioned, I know we all think of "wax on wax off" and a very un-natural relationship between a 15 year old Italian American and an 80 year old Japanese man, a film which shaped many of our childhoods, teaching us the importance of standing up to bullies, and being a warning that most films made in Hollywood will be 'Underdog' tales. Which reminds me, don't let your kids go to school with my kids; my kid will be on the bench press by 3 and will have protein shakes instead of chocolate milk! He will be THE Bully, and nothing shall stop him! He shall be named EXCALIBER!!! (it will be in capitals on the birth certificate with the exclamation marks and all) and he will not hesitate to fuck yo kids up! Anyways, in 2010 we have this new remake, which doesn't actually contain any Karate at all, it is all Kung-Fu, which is fine by me, because....well....fuck Karate, it is shit!

We all remember the original, young guy moved to new district, finds trouble with local bullies, can't join Karate school cos all those asshats train there, so a mad Japanese hermit teaches him Karate whilst getting his fence painted. Essentially this is the same tale, but instead of being a poor lil, sassy faced Italian American in another American hood, it is a young black kid who gets taken to China with his Mum and it all happens over there. Jaden Smith plays (Dre Parker) who is the young black kid, and when he spots the fancy of a young Chinese girl Meiying (Wenwen Han) he stirs up some shit, as apparently that bitch should be practicing her violin! No seriously, the entire plot hinges on the fact that this girls parents want her to be a mad fly violinist and these dicks at school are almost like hired cockblockers to ward of any cocky foreigners trying to get their finger stinky!

Obviously Dre meets Mr Han (Jackie Chan) who teaches him about Kung-Fu and he is the only bit that almost saves the film! Mr Han trains Dre not only how to figt but that Kung-Fu is about more than violence, that it transcends all that he does, the way he thinks, the way he speaks, the way he behaves; basically that it isn't for revenge! But whilst they are there, fuck it, lets join a tournament! Why not?! We all know the story, Dre limps through and defeats the evil bully in the final, not with a shitty Crane style kick though (seriously that kick in the original wouldn't have done shit; you cannot generate that much power from that stance). In the new update Dre beats the fool with some Matrix shit, like a tumble turn moon kick! Its mental, and would actually spark a fool. You know the rest, some feel good things and we are meant to feel all uplifted and shit!

"Uplifted yet bitch? Wait till I plant my foot in your face!!"

Ok, so it was a bit feelgood, but I mean, it is set in China, and the entire time they avoid the subject of communism. You should at least touch on it, try and make some kind of deeper statement, if not, whats the point in setting it in bloody China? They just distract you with all the lovely sweeping shots of the great wall and all the happy temple people. All in all it was an OK film; i liked it a lil bit less than the first one, but the original is pure nostalgia; the only bit I hated was Jaden Smith! That mother fucker cannot act, he only got the part because his damn parents produced the film. Its like they used this as a promotional tool, like "ooohh if lil Jadens going to have a future in film, we should showcase his dancing skills! Hey Jaden, throw some of that robot dance into that scene!!!!!" and he does, but it is all just cringe worthy! He is meant to be comic relief too, but the only part of the film I laughed at was when the young lady Meiying calls him 'funny' but her lil face is so Asian it sounds like she said "You fanny" and I was the only person in the cinema laughing! Fuck the rest of the audience if they can't take a joke! My advice to Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith is...Stop putting your shitty son in films! He sucks balls!

"Try and fire me!! My Dad is the producer yo! Suck a dick!!"

Anyway, I think you should still see the new Karate Kid, its is good all round fun, a bit of a fodder film, but worth having in your collection.

Till next time

Peace

Back With A Bang, And A Film I Have Seen 4 Times....Already

This is so weird, I was almost certain that this blog had been removed from the internet. Maybe it has been, and the internet in Staffordshire is just subject to different rules, I don't know, but I am slipping in a quick review before it all gets taken away from me again. A quick update for you; I have literally spent hundreds of pounds at the cinema recently, I can't stop going. And one film I saw many times was Inception, a film which blew my face right off its hinges.....if my face had hinges I mean.

Do I really need to go into the plot? Surely you have all seen it already?! I mean, it is the best film I have seen in the last 5 years, and is in my all time top 5, how can you not have seen it? It literally got perfect 5 star reviews from every film publication in the world....ever! Il explain it to you anyways.

Inception is a mind fuck, no two ways about it. The story follows Cobb (Leo DiCaprio) who is an 'Extractor', which means his job is to enter peoples dreams and extract ideas and thoughts from their conscience, and he is the best in his craft. To be honest, to try and fully explain the plot is almost impossible, it has so many levels and so many totally unheard of concepts that I would be here forever describing it, but the basic idea is that Cobb is given an assignment by Saito (Ken Watanabe) who was a victim of Cobb's extraction; but rather than extracting an idea, Cobb is asked to insert an idea, a practice labelled 'Inception'. Although the practice is said to be impossible, Cobb has no choice as his employers who hired him to extract Saito are hunting him for failing, and Saito offers him a way back into the U.S, where he is wanted for the apparent murder of his wife, and where his two small children still reside with their Grandparents. Unable to turn down the chance of seeing his sprogs agin he accepts the offer, and so entails the assembling of a team, a team capable of performing Inception, consisting of Arthur (an incredible Joseph Gordon-Levitt), Ariadne (the ever lovable Elen Page), Eames (everyones new fave British actor Tom Hardy) and the fore mentioned Saito. The plan is to inspire young rich-bag Robert Fischer, to dissolve his fathers huge energy empire so Saito's company does'nt get blown out the water, but to perform Inception, the team cannot just go into Robert's dream; they have to delve deep enough into his psyche to plant a seed of an idea, and let it grow naturally. This means once inside his dream, they must enter a dream inside that dream, and once in that dream, enter another dream, so they are essentially three dreams deep. God if you haven't seen this film yet I must sound like a fucking nutter right now. I wont go further than that, because if you haven't got around to seeing it yet I don't want to ruin your life, but there is mad backstory and loads of moral questioning that I cannot delve into here. Plus all the wall walking

Yeah Im walking on a wall! AND WHAT?????

The reason everything works so well is the way that Nolan directs. Have you ever heard that thing, like, your dreams only last about 30 seconds, but they seem like ages when your in them? well the premise of the film is that that compounds when you enter a dream within a dream and so forth, so when the assignment is being carried out we have a spectacular timeline of events on each level, with a crazy riveting car chase in the 1st dream, a mad gravity defying fight sequence in the second, and a Tom Clancy style assault on the 3rd level of the dream, all played out in real time, but at different speeds. Fuck it, I cannot explain what I mean in words, you just have to go watch it!

But is it good? OH MY SWEET JESUS YES!!!! It is hands down the best film I have seen in a long time, and I don't mean to just jump on the Chris Nolan bandwagon, but the guys a fucking genius. The cast is awesome, with an in form DiCaprio (being is Shutter Island and Inception in an actors career would be brilliant, to do both in one year is kind of taking the piss Leo, we know your amazing, stop it)

"How is it Im shitting on all other actors ever without even trying? Am I a God?"

Joseph Gordon-Levitt proving he isn't all mushy rom-com typecast man (not that I didn't love 500 Days of Summer) Elen Page is charming, Tom Hardy provides the snippets of comedy, Marion Cotillard (whose role I cant explain without ruining plot points) is haunting, and everyone is tied into this mad world and this insane concept that Nolan thought up himself. To make it even better he refused to shoot it in 3D, as he thought it would distract from the story (a man after my own heart). I know I haven't done a great job at inspiring you all to see it if you haven't yet, but just ask anyone who has, they will say the exact same thing, "Why are you not at the cinema right now watching it?". Im fucking serious, if you haven't enjoyed Inception yet you shouldn't even be sitting at you god damned computer! Get your ass up and get to the cinema fools, your mind is yet to be BLOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pictured: Blown minds.....and a suave Godon-Levitt

God I'm out of practice, if this blog is still her tomorrow I promise to do a film better justice by review than I have today! I couldn't even think of funny captions

Till next time...if there is one

Peace