Yeah I am about to write my second review of the day, I don't know how long this blog will be up for, so time is of ze essence!! Im a little bit tipsy now, I have taken the dog for a walk and I am waiting for my man Don Juan Ryan and my sister to turn up so I can get suitably drunk. Until then I am here, pouring the booze off my soul and onto your eyes!! Does that make sense? I don't know! I don't care!
Essentially what I am doing to your eyes right now
I have chosen to review another film I saw recently at the cinema, which is The Karate Kid! Whenever that phrase is mentioned, I know we all think of "wax on wax off" and a very un-natural relationship between a 15 year old Italian American and an 80 year old Japanese man, a film which shaped many of our childhoods, teaching us the importance of standing up to bullies, and being a warning that most films made in Hollywood will be 'Underdog' tales. Which reminds me, don't let your kids go to school with my kids; my kid will be on the bench press by 3 and will have protein shakes instead of chocolate milk! He will be THE Bully, and nothing shall stop him! He shall be named EXCALIBER!!! (it will be in capitals on the birth certificate with the exclamation marks and all) and he will not hesitate to fuck yo kids up! Anyways, in 2010 we have this new remake, which doesn't actually contain any Karate at all, it is all Kung-Fu, which is fine by me, because....well....fuck Karate, it is shit!
We all remember the original, young guy moved to new district, finds trouble with local bullies, can't join Karate school cos all those asshats train there, so a mad Japanese hermit teaches him Karate whilst getting his fence painted. Essentially this is the same tale, but instead of being a poor lil, sassy faced Italian American in another American hood, it is a young black kid who gets taken to China with his Mum and it all happens over there. Jaden Smith plays (Dre Parker) who is the young black kid, and when he spots the fancy of a young Chinese girl Meiying (Wenwen Han) he stirs up some shit, as apparently that bitch should be practicing her violin! No seriously, the entire plot hinges on the fact that this girls parents want her to be a mad fly violinist and these dicks at school are almost like hired cockblockers to ward of any cocky foreigners trying to get their finger stinky!
Obviously Dre meets Mr Han (Jackie Chan) who teaches him about Kung-Fu and he is the only bit that almost saves the film! Mr Han trains Dre not only how to figt but that Kung-Fu is about more than violence, that it transcends all that he does, the way he thinks, the way he speaks, the way he behaves; basically that it isn't for revenge! But whilst they are there, fuck it, lets join a tournament! Why not?! We all know the story, Dre limps through and defeats the evil bully in the final, not with a shitty Crane style kick though (seriously that kick in the original wouldn't have done shit; you cannot generate that much power from that stance). In the new update Dre beats the fool with some Matrix shit, like a tumble turn moon kick! Its mental, and would actually spark a fool. You know the rest, some feel good things and we are meant to feel all uplifted and shit!
"Uplifted yet bitch? Wait till I plant my foot in your face!!"
Ok, so it was a bit feelgood, but I mean, it is set in China, and the entire time they avoid the subject of communism. You should at least touch on it, try and make some kind of deeper statement, if not, whats the point in setting it in bloody China? They just distract you with all the lovely sweeping shots of the great wall and all the happy temple people. All in all it was an OK film; i liked it a lil bit less than the first one, but the original is pure nostalgia; the only bit I hated was Jaden Smith! That mother fucker cannot act, he only got the part because his damn parents produced the film. Its like they used this as a promotional tool, like "ooohh if lil Jadens going to have a future in film, we should showcase his dancing skills! Hey Jaden, throw some of that robot dance into that scene!!!!!" and he does, but it is all just cringe worthy! He is meant to be comic relief too, but the only part of the film I laughed at was when the young lady Meiying calls him 'funny' but her lil face is so Asian it sounds like she said "You fanny" and I was the only person in the cinema laughing! Fuck the rest of the audience if they can't take a joke! My advice to Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith is...Stop putting your shitty son in films! He sucks balls!
"Try and fire me!! My Dad is the producer yo! Suck a dick!!"
Anyway, I think you should still see the new Karate Kid, its is good all round fun, a bit of a fodder film, but worth having in your collection.
Till next time
Peace
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