No...Just No.....So Much NO!

My God I hope you are ready for a rant; as I just watched Valentine's Day. You may think that is a weird choice of film to watch to review, as it is obviously going to be bad; but the MTV movie awards are coming up, and you should see the list of nominees. Let me give you some highlights; Zac Efron is being nominated for best Actor for his performance in 17 Again, as is Channing Tatum for his role in Dear John (I promise you I am not making this shit up) Sandra Bullock is being nominated for Best Comedic Performance for her part in The Proposal and there is a category named Best WTF Moment...I couldn't write this shit, i promise you this is all true. In the Best Film category we have such delights as Twilight: New Moon and Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. This stuff makes me want to take a torch to Hollywood studios and everyone at MTV, and their families. I mean, who decides on these nominations? A fucking retarded 15 year old? is that who MTV put in control now? "like OMG totes, maybe we should get Justin Biebs to host?! LOL, that would be so awesome, he is HAWT!" (FUCK YOU ALL!) Secondly, go kill yourselves MTV, everyone there, just go jump out of a window; if you are scared of heights, I will mail you some hemlock or something, just leave this earth forever you hideous affronts to humanity. I chose to watch Valentine's Day as I remember the posters and there were loads of hotties advertised as being in it, so I thought 'even if it is shit, at least there will be lots of nice women to ogle at' but in hindsight it really was not worth it. ,

So, Valentine's Day, where to begin..no really, where do i begin to tell you about this film. It is basically one of those movies aimed at teenagers and young couples at a time of year when they should feel all romantic and such and will want to go see a film that includes elements of romance and maybe some comedy; unfortunately I suspect that anybody who went to see this pile of ass left the cinema, not feeling happy and loved up, but more like they wanted to find the nearest tree to careen their cars into. In Valentine's Day we follow 23 people in the city of LA on the most luvvy dovey day of the year. If any of the characters were at all interesting I would tell you more about them, but none of them are, I pretty much just wanted to stab them all...in the neck. Basically there are loads of singles and loads of couples at the beginning and by the end some of the singles are coupled, some of the couples are single, some of the people are gay and some of the people have kids. None of this interested me. You know what, I can't be bothered to explain to you what happened in this film, I would rather bitch and moan and rant about this shit pile of a movie and get some weight of my chest.

It can be most suitably summed up by a line from the movie, when Ashton Kutcher announces "Its valentines day, you don't think, you just do". How right you are Ashton, you huge tool, because when they brainstormed and green lit Valentine's Day they didn't think, they just did. One stupid thing they did was they tried to get into the whole "intertwining narrative" party that films such as He's Just Not That Into You have done recently and have had success with; only difference is, HJNTIY is an OK film, and the story lines in it have some semblance of real emotion and realistic relationship development; In Valentine's Day we are expected to follow the story of 23 people in just over 2 hours. This means that you never become interested in anybody, as you don't get to see enough of them for them to develop as character; this movie would need to be 7 hours long to work. Another huge mistake they made to piss me off, and a factor that makes me think this film was written by a child or may have just fallen out of Zach Braff's vagina, is that the whole thing is just so retardedly wrong, not one of the relationships is believable, and all of the "intertwining" stories are just clumsily mashed together in a vain effort to try and seem clever. Look, my favourite film is Magnolia, that was a film that knew how to intelligently mesh character arcs, other examples of such narrative can be seen Pulp Fiction and HJNTIY to name two, but these films did it well. Another way to really piss me off is to be needlessly racist, don't get me wrong, I am not at all PC, ask anybody and they will tell you that I enjoy a risque joke or two as much as the next white guy, but Valentine's day is just ridiculous. A likely conversation in the scriptwriters room:

Dickface High School Writer 1 - (Gently stroking cocaine into a regiment of lines on his desk) So we have some black people here, and Jamie Foxx is pulling his weight by being cast as the sporty black guy and he drops some rad black lines, but Queen Latifah really hasn't had much screen time. What can we do with her to make her memorable in the film?

Dickface High School Writer 2 - (Snorts a line and takes a few seconds to recover) WOW, that really is some tremendous blow.. Well...we could have her drop some mad African flavour all over this shit, she has done that before. Doesn't need to be subtle, how about she is on the phone, and she can just spaz out and scream something vaguely African sounding?

Dickface High School Writer 1 - (lifts face from pile of cocaine on table, snorting wildly, trying to gain regain focus on his surroundings) Ummmm...yeah why not, thatll do. But What about the Football guy we have admitting he is gay, I mean we decided that it would be a great idea to avoid making a statement on homosexuality in professional sport, cos, you know, fuck them fags *note: this would have been a good way to give your film some weight and semblance* how about we round his story of by having that Foxx guy make a really juvenile queer joke on his news broadcast, i dunno, something like "I am behind you Sean jackson...not physically though" (giggles like a school girl)

Dickface High School Writer 2 - (carefully stuffing his nose with at least 8 rolled banknotes) oh yeah that should be fine, I doyn't want to pay much attention the the gay bit of the story anyways, that shit makes me super uncomfortable yo!

Writer With Brains - Guys, don't you think that this project is shit enough without us throwing all this really racist, ignorant and clumsy dialogue into the mix?

Dickfaces - SHUT UP YOU HOLLYWOOD LIBERAL SWINE

Writer With Brains - (sits in chair and begins trying to eat own arm out of frustration)

Your average Hollywood screenwriter

Lastly, I have much more but I can't go on too long, I should mention the way the film has been advertised and the comment on the target audience. For one, they decided to totally ignore the only people over the age of 40 in the film when it came to the promotional poster, probably because...well...fuck them, they are old and how could we ever get a super shiny MTV fucking award with those old shits all over our ad campaign? (one of whom was Shirley MacLaine, thats right, the Hollywood fucking legend with more talent than anybody in the film can't make the promotional poster as she is a bit old).

Not Pictured: Anybody interesting

And secondly, I just want to try to explain something to any man, whatever age, who thought that his lady friend would like to see this film on Valentine's Day, or any man who got dragged to see it by his other half..how to put this...YOUR A MORON!!!! Women are smarter than us guys, and they actually want to be challenged intellectually when it comes to their choice in films, art and music, and if you think this is the kind of film that will get you some sweet post date sex, then I hope those gals chopped off your dicks and threw them under the nearest moving vehicle. If however your lady did want to see this film, and she insisted you go watch it (these ladies are out there, they are the ones who enjoy High School Musical and the Twishite series) then you should just throw that ho to the curb, as the intelligent ones are the only ones worth having son! I mean seriously, if you give somebody who finds this film entertaining an IQ test the result would come back reading: BUTTER!

"I wonder why this film makes me want to die? It was meant to be happy!"

If you see this film in your local rental, or you see it on TV in the future, just don't watch it. No...just No...So Much NO! It ain't even worth it!

Till next time
Peace

Is It Only Me Who Wants To Drown Michaell Cera?

I have had people hassling me to watch and review Youth In Revolt for a while now, and only just got the chance to see it today. I am possibly the biggest Michael Cera critic in the world ever, and seeing as I slipped into a terrible mood just before watching the film probably didn't help his chances of impressing me and changing my mind about him. Couple that with a slight case of writers block and the inability to concentrate on anything and you have a recipe for a terrible review...but I will give it a shot anyway, why the fuck not?!

Michael Cera is the least talented actor ever. I have a strong suspicion that he doesn't yet know he has been in a Hollywood production, as every time he is on screen he seems like a lost puppy and he just wants to go home. He pulls the same awkward shitty little face, and mumbles and stutters his way through all of his shitty little lines in every god damn film he is in and it pisses me right off. The plots always have him playing some indie kid who is a bit "different" and "alternative" and he always falls in love for women who would never actually sleep with him in real life...but hey, its the movies. Whats most retarded is that he wins them over by being a total fucking loser and just making me want to punch him in the throat. Here is a selection of screenshots from his films, try and keep in mind they are all different films, so you can see the diversity of his acting ability...


"ERGHHGHHH look at me.. I have a fucking guitar...erghghgh, look how Indie I am. ERGHRGHRGRHGRH" fuck.right.off. That gormless fucking look on his face is what you are forced to look at in every painful second he is on screen...EVER!

So anyway Youth In Revolt, what to say. It has Michael 'cast me as me' Cera as Nick Twisp, and he is all the things you would expect from Michael Cera, hes a virgin, he likes records, he reads alot, and he creepily obsesses over girls he meets. His life is a bit shit, with his mum being a lil bit of a whore and his Dad not giving him pocket money, and him being a loser and all. So when he goes on a week long trip due to his Mum's boyfriend pissing off some sailors (yes sailors..don't ask, I think it was meant to be funny because it was "random"! Kill me now), he has a chance to meet Sheeni Saunders (Portia Doubleday) who is his dreamgirl and all that. She likes french stuff and she likes records and she is a bit damaged by her overly religious family, but I think more than anything he likes that she has a vagina. Anyway, when the end of the week comes along and Nick has to go home, he and Sheeni develop a plan to re-unite, basically Nick will be a dick and get kicked out of home, and Sheeni will get his Dad a job near her, so when he goes to live with his father he can be awkward around her as much as he wants (and Sheeni already has a boyfriend - SLUT). This is when Nick realises that he needs to discover a side to himself that he has never explored before, the side that looks like this

I don'y know if that look is meant to be funny, like I was meant to find it amusing at how shit his alter ego looked, but what I do know is that by this time I was repeatedly smashing my face against the wall and begging God for mercy...this hurt quite a bit, which made me hate Cera even more. That picture right there is Francois Dillinger, Nick's alter ego who does bad shit; and to be honest he is quite funny, but unfortunately he has around 10 minutes of screen time overall. Basically Nick's plan works and he moves to his Dads new place but it turns out Sheeni is a massive bitch and has moved to some French school. This provokes Nick and Francois to go on a few lame adventures chasing this very average looking girl around California trying to get their dicks wet. Then later there are repercussions for the shit he did to get kicked out of home. Actually, that bit did make me laugh, how he got kicked out I mean; he stole his Mums car which had her recently deceased boyfriends trailer in tow, then Francois set the trailer careening into a coffee shop down a hill, with the words "God's Perfect Asshole" spray painted on the side of it, followed by the car which leaked gasoline all the way down the hill; the ensuing explosion lighting the gasoline leading a neat lil path right to dickhead Nick. I secretly prayed he would burst into flames and the movie would be over. It wasn't. It ended after a horrendous 90 minutes and of course he bangs the chick at the end and we are meant to feel good that it was Nick she wanted all along, not his alter ego Francois. YEAH I RUINED THE ENDING. It doesn't matter, as it is the same as in every other movie he has ever been in., I didn't notice that it was all over at first...my brain had slipped into a coma.

The only good points of the film are some supporting roles from Steve Buschemi, Ray Liotta and Jack Galifianakis, but not even that could make me enjoy anything about the movie. It was meant to be a comedy, you know, created with the intention to cause laughter and generate mirth in the audience; and I laughed exactly twice; when the trailer thing happened, and with happiness when the credits started rolling. There are barely words that explain how much I want to set Michael Cera on fire. What he needs to do, is stop acting in films. Maybe that shit flies on Saturday Night Live mate, but don't bring it to my screens, I have no idea how this dude is so successful! It is ridiculous how anybody could want to hire him in any film, I don't care if he sells you more tickets, is it worth the soul destroying day to day torture of being around him on set and having to hold yourself back from stabbing him in the face with a screwdriver? I don't think so.

Go see this film, just because I had to suffer it, and why should I suffer alone. Fuck

Till next time
Peace

Richard Curtis Does Something Right...For Once

Yeah I know, look how quickly I have returned to write yet another review. And you all thought I would be ages again...pah; ye of little faith. In truth I am only back this early due to the harassment of a certain small blond German, who kept insisting that I watch The Boat That Rocked and then review it instantly; and as a precaution, to not get on her bad side, I did as I was told, and therfore found myself squinting at the opening credits the way you may squint at the end of a hosepipe that is about to spray acid into your face at any given moment and I prepared my brain for the worst; after all, what could Richard Curtis produce that wasn't a steaming pile of cack?!

Its actually pretty good

I so wanted it to be bad, reeeeaaally bad, like when you see fat ugly people on Britain's Got Talent, and you secretly hope that they fall flat on their face or get booed off stage for being so shit, but against all my wishes I found myself enjoying a film by Richard Curtis. The same man who brought you such vomit inducing shit heaps such as Love Actually, Notting Hill and the bearable Four Weddings and a Funeral (which would have been great if they had cast somebody other than Hugh Grant and Andie McDowell); also he looks like somebody stretched skin over the comparethemarket.com meerkat

The Boat That Rocked is the story of pirate radio in the 1960s, the story opening with an explaination that in the 60s, BBC radio only played 45 minutes of popular and rock music a day, and this certainly wasn't enough for those mini skirt wearing, drug taking, casual sex loving kids. They wanted...nay...they NEEDED 24/7/365 popular rock and roll, and Radio Rock was there to answer their call. We follow Carl (Tom Sturridge), who is sent by his mother to spend time away from home on the Radio Rock ship with his Godfather Quentin (the ever brilliant Bill Nighy) after he was expelled from his school for smoking...both cigarettes and drugs apparently. Carl gets to witness the goings on in the lives of the most loved DJs in the land, as they broadcast through the night and through the day supplying the masses with their latest hit of rock and roll. Thing is, I can't really go on, as there isn't a normal plot to this film, that is kind of all that happens, well, I mean, there are events throughout, but I don't want to ruin that for you, but The Boat That Rocks is not your normal narrative.

The film plays out more like nostalgia than it does a simple narrative storyline, it feels like you would appreciate the film a lot more if you were alive in the 60s and actually listened to these pirated radio shows, which of course I didn't. It feels a bit like Curtis is grasping desperately at a time gone by, like those 55 year old Punk rockers in Camden, still wearing some Doc Martens and a spiky Mohawk; Curtis is trying to prove that he was cool once before he started writing films that should have all been named "Vagina!". I could almost hear him calling through the screen "look at meeee, i used to do things that were slightly taboo yet not quite illegal! How edgy am I!" but in all honesty you would have a hard time in picking any normal Richard Curtis blueprints on this film if you weren't told he wrote and directed it beforehand. It is just so different to his normal crap that I kept double checking the DVD case to make sure I didn't read it wrong. Despite me not being born in the 50s and therefore attached to the subject a bit more closely, I still enjoyed it, and here is why....the cast.

Phillip Seymour-Hoffman, who is super awesome, plays The Count, a mad hatter American who spends more time dancing around his booth than speaking to the audience (reminded me a lot of his character in Almost Famous actually), Rhys Ifans (that crazy Welsh bastard) plays the legendary pirate DJ Gavin Canavagh, whose arrival causes some stir up amongst the current staff. The is another Rhys here too, in Rhys Darby (of The Flight of the Concords fame) who is brilliant as the slightly unhinged Angus Nutsford. There are too many brilliant actors to list really, we have Nick Frost, Kenneth Brangagh, Jack Davenport to name a few; not to mention the mad babes all over the place, including January Jones Gemma Arterton and Talulah Riley
Did I have to add photos you ask? YEAH I DID! and now everyone in the computer lab is looking at me like I am some kind of a perv. But I do not care people, it had to be done.
After the talent of the cast there is the soundtrack, oooohohhhhh the sound track, it can't really be put into wortds how good it was, so I shall give you an image instead

That's right, heads will explode...a lot.... everywherrrrrrrrrrrre!

Lastly, the best thing that Curtis could have done with the film, is that he left out all of his typically cringe worthy romantic lovey dovey stuff. I am all for films that have a romantic theme, but not Richard Curtis films, hell noooo, he should stick to making films like this, films that are funny and feel good, and the more he does that, the further he will move away from his horrendous reputation as the Roland Emmerich of Romance and he willl perhaps become respected in film circles. You are almost there Rich, go on my son.

Anyway

Till next time
Peace

Oooooo How Marvel-ous

Yeah I know, it has been like, baaaaare time since my last post, but I still have no internet, so as a write this I am in the university computer lab, sitting next to lots of smelly geeky people. The summer is upon us, and like every year, the summer means blockbusters are near; big expensive popcorn munching blockbusters. Are these films intelligent and thought provoking? Nooooo, but, they do have plenty of this
and this
maybe a bit of this
perhaps a dab of this

Ok in all honesty I have no idea what the hell is happening in that last pic, but fuck, it looks badass, so who cares.
But yeah, where was I? Oh, summer blockbusters, this year, have been kickstarted by Ironman 2, whiiiiich, I havn't seen yet...because I am poorer than that smelly dude you see picking old pizza out of your bins and then passed out in inner city underpasses, and any money I do have is being injected into train fare funds to get to Chertsey every week. What i can do however, is reviw the first installment, Ironman; think of it as me trying to convince anybody who hasn't seen it to go see it, and the sequel. But really if you havn't seen Ironman then you should die. After getting all up on my nuts.

So we have Ironman, released 2008, directed by Jon Favreau, and it blew my mind everywhere, like all over the floor and shit. On a quick side note, i want to continue the quest for an anwswer to this question, is Favreau fat or stacked? I can't tell, he goes from this to this fat thing fuck ironman, thats "Trans-fats Man" look at the state of him.
Aaaaanyway, this is a truely awesome film, it is my favourite superhero film, yup, even more than the Batman series, probably because it is genuinly funny and AWESOME.

The story follows Tony Stark, the young hotshit CEO of Stark industries, a crazy big weapons manufacturer that he inherited from his dad; but Tony aint no slouch, he is like totally smart yeah, and he invents shit,....all the time. So when he gets kidnapped and injured by his own weaponry at the hands of a terrorist cell whilst in Afghanistan, promoting his latest range of terrorist creaming missiles, the shit is all up in the fan, as these crazy cave dwellers want him to build them a big ass rocket to fire at some poor people. First up they have plugged a battery magnet thing in his chest to stop this Stark Industries shrapnel from ripping his heart up, and when they initially ask him to buils them a WMD Tony is all like "suck all up on my nuts biznitch" but then they toture him a bit and he is like "Balls" and gives in. But hes a smart lil' cookie is our Tony and whilst his guards think he is building a missile, what he actually bulding is a mad technology to replace their shitty battery thing...oh yeah, and a big fuck off iron suit to bust his ass out of there (hehe, silly terrorists, pwned). When he busts out that joint, he flies home and decided that his days of producing weapons is over, as they all seem to be ending up in the hands of terrorists and killing Americans, and that not what Tony is about. Despite some pressure from the "board" or "investors" or something, Tony does what he wants and spends lots of time at home building and perfecting his designs for his Ironman suit so he can go and kick some Middle Eastern ass. Obvoulsly there is a hiccup abnd then all this crap happens, I won't ruin the story but trust me when I say there are plenty of explosions and fights and shit.

So yeah, the reason this film is brillo pads is mostly down to Robert Downey Jr, who is on a different level of manliness to most men, surpassing even myself (I sit on the council for the Van Damme plateau of the Man Tower) and he now resides on the Luther King Cloud, thats high up the tower. He is funny, and cool, and has an Iron suit, and bangs mad honeys all the time. What a hero. Also a strong supporting cast from Gwyneth Paltrow, Terrence Howard (one of my favourite actors), and The Dude (I have watched lots of his films recently), they don't have to blow your socks of in this film with there acting, as the action does that for you. Favreau really can direct action movies (see Hancock) and i must have jizzed about 40 timnes during the film from pure mangasm, not including the 5 instances I caught my reflection in the mirror. There is a kick ass soundtrack and it all moves at a brilliant blistering pace, whilst still making time for all the little important bits; like character development and relationship development. A fine job indeed for the Favface. i can't wait to have money to go see the sequel and you should all do the same, as I promise you it can't dissapoint. If you do see this film, or the new one and don't like them, then go jump off a bridge, because there is no reason for you to FUCKING EXIST!

yup yup

Till next time (hopefully not too long)
Peace

I Love You Too Man

I should apologize again for the massive break in between posts, the folks across the road refuse to fix the internet I was so handily stealing from them. I have had a temptation to write them a note, something along the lines of "Fix your internet, your ruining my life!!!" but that may be a bit too ballsy. Anyways, it has led me to invest time in other things that are more important, like finishing my dissertation, actually going outside and enjoying the sunshine, talking to people etc etc, so I shouldn't complain too much. So yeah, here I am, to review another film for you all, and I stewed over which one to write about, as I have watched alot lately; I almost chose a Spike Lee film, as I just finished my dissertation on his works and could have actually written something of worth, but who wants that?! Not you lot. So more fodder it is, and I have chosen I Love You, Man, the one film I think was funnier than The Hangover this year. Booyaaaa!

So the general plot be this, we have our lovable asshat protagonist Peter Klaven (Paul Rudd) who is a 'girlfriend guy', which is a man who totally ignores the age old adage of bros before hos and decides his current lady friend deserves all his time; whats that all about? Do these men exist? Where did they lose their nuts? Anyway, Peter proposes to his girlfriend and she says yes. Yes this woman wanted the marry this man ok yeah thats a very bad photoshop job, but you get the huge rift in hotness. Zooey (the lovely fiancee played by the edible Rashida Jones) realises that her husband-to-be is a massive loser and has no friends and that their wedding will be a bit lopsided if she has like, bare bridesmaids and all her husband has with him at the alter is his Dad and gay brother. Thus Peter vows to get him some friends with the quickness, which proves difficult, as Peter seems to have some mild form of autism, he has social skills on par with a hybrid wasp...on its period. Basically he has no idea how to function in front of his bros; and so we are on our way to 2 hours of hilarity and cringe worthy comedy. The main turning point in the plot comes when Peter meets Sydney Fife (the awesome faced Jason Segel), who seems to be the perfect candidate for the job of soppy bollocks' best man. Then loads of shit happens that is so funny you find yourself picking your brains up off the floor...as the film just blew....your.....MIND!

Oooooo what are the good points? Well lets start with all the lovely cast; we have Paul Rudd, who has great improv skills in front of camera, and provides most of the laughs with his squirmingly uncomfortable social disasters; he has a tendency to just make up gibberish words in the middle of conversations and leaves you with your hands over your face wondering if God would ever make a human being that useless at life. There is obviously Miss Rashida Jones, who wouldn't get kicked out of bed for farting; and then Jason to the Segel, of How I Met Your Mother and Forgetting Sarah Marshall fame. Hes super G, at life, and manages to roll waist deep in super fine honey clunge 24/7 despite being a bit ugly and overweight...a true hero if I ever knew one. Hes also hugely likable, and reminds me of many of my friends at once, which I liked. A great supporting cast including Jon 'am I fat or am I stacked?' Favreau, J.K Simmons and Jaime Presley, all of who provide some good laughs along the way,
The comedy is very reminiscent of the Judd Apatow school of fun, which is to be expected with Rudd and Segel onboard, many of the scenes are obviously improvised, but the one problem I have with this style of directing which Apatow has injected into Hollywood, is that its lazy as fuck. Apatow pretty much sits down and says "yeah just do shit until I think its funny enough to make the final cut"; which makes for great outtakes, yet lacks the perfectionist attitude usually expected in directors, then again what the fuck do I know? I would be the worst director in the world, and Apatow is probably bathing in a swimming pool of burning money right now. Even though I Love You, Man isn't directed by Apatow, it is evident that actors like Rudd and Segel are encouraged to perform the way they would for an Apatow vehicle, as it does have a way of making money.
I preferred the comedy in I Love You, Man to the Hangover, mostly just out of personal preference, but I am sure you will enjoy it just as much as The Hangover regardless if your taste is similar to mine, but obviously yours should be like mine, as my taste in everything is always right, ALWAYS!

So yeah, go watch it, if you havn'e already, and if you have, watch it again damn yous!
SLAPPA DA BASS MAN!

Till next time
Peace

Its Films Being Treated Like This That Makes Me Want To Work In Distribution

I first watched Cashback a year ago when my flat mate Chris had it, and it instantly became one of my favourite films. It is the feature length version of the Academy Award nominated short film, and I was fortunate enough to find it lying in my Dad's film collection, nestled amongst a bunch of Danny Dyer films and the Dune boxset, so it is lucky I was even scanning that area at all.

The story follows Ben (Sean Biggerstaff - yeah I know, what a name), a student in his final year of Art college, who is going through the mourning stages of breaking up with his long-term girlfriend, and I would be pissed too if I had just broken up with Michelle Ryan...


oh yeah well done Ben. During this period of depression Ben develops insomnia, and decides, seeing as he now has 8 extra hours a day, he may as well find a constructive way to fill his time, and so he gets a job at his local Sainsbury's, working the night shift. During his employment there, he realises all his colleagues have their own little ways of dealing with the incredibly boring night shifts, making the time fly by with techniques such as never looking at the time, or simply doing anything that can't resemble work as much as possible. Ben discovers his own coping technique; he imagines the opposite. Instead of thinking about time speeding up, he imagines it slowing down, right down to a stop. Somehow this allows him to stop time, whenever he wants, and make it resume again just by cracking his fingers. Sounds strange I know, but believe me, they do it in a way that you don't even realise that there is no explanation to this time warping phenomenon. Anyway, Ben, being an artist, spends his frozen time admiring the female form, which at first sounds pervy, a bit like Bernard's watch got into the wrong hands, but Ben isn't going around plugging frozen honeys without them noticing, he is observing them, and then he draws them. Its all very arty. Then the love story part of the film begins, which I will leave for all of you to discover on your own when you go buy this film, and you will go buy this film *Jedi Mind Trick*

What makes me love this movie? Where to start...first of all its the content, which I think speaks to anybody who has ever been through a terrible breakup. I hate to exit my alpha male state for a minute but the first 20 odd minutes of Cashback cut close to the bone, with Ben doing things that we have all done in those moments when all we can think about is the ex (alcohol fueled or not). Secondly, it is the way that Sean Ellis (the director) manages to fill a film full of naked women, and not at one point have me thinking of sex. I have no idea how he managed that, but you start to see the women the way that Ben sees them, as objects of beauty to be admired, but not to be violated (I will come back to this point in a bit during my rant, just you wait). Thirdly, Cashback is funny. I don't want to go as far as to call it a romantic comedy, because the scenes between Ben and Sharon (the love interest, played brilliantly by Emilia Fox) is whole heartedly delicate and real, with all the funny points mainly focusing on Ben's best friend Sean, a self proclaimed ladies man; and the other male colleagues at Sainsbury's, who are more a comedy of errors. Although some of the comedy is a tiny bit slapstick, a lot of it is based on brilliant one liners and brutally witty trueisms. Fourthly, the film is just brilliantly shot, for such a shoe-string production budget, it is done brilliantly, with the acting, the camerawork, just everything, being top notch and giving you more for less, which I prefer sometimes to the overbearing money machine method sometimes employed in Hollywood.

So yeah, before I begin getting angry, let me insist that you all go buy this film now, it is out on DVD, so you have no excuse.

Now...let me try and calm myself...as I get onto the way the film has been marketed. Cashback, is a film about heartbreak, moving on, grabbing opportunities, and young love; i mean, if I am being honest, it borders on pretentious and 'arty'. Yet on the DVD cover it is portrayed as a softcore porno. I have no idea why, but it is almost like the distribution company didn't even watch the fucking film. They make it seem as if Ben is some kind of rapist who wants to shag women whilst they are frozen in time; trapped in his twisted little world. For instance, lets have a look at the front of the DVD...


see that woman is in the film for around 4 minutes. But they put her on the cover, just because she gets her tits out. Also the tag line "When work's a bore - Turn on your imagination". He isn't using his imagination you tools, he is actually stopping time.Shit like this makes me want to kick a fucking puppy. He isn't sitting at his counter day dreaming about naked women. The second thing that pissed me off about the DVD cover was on the back, a quick snippet from a film review by Nuts magazine, and it quotes "Top Babes" ..... and that is it!?!? What the FUCK? How is that relevant? At all? I mean I can see the inbred chav scum who work at Nuts could watch this and all be sitting around bathing in chants of "GET YOUR BAPS OUT!!" but really thats not what the films about. This has helped me become positive that I should work in distribution, so that films like Cashback don't get marketed to people wanting to see some naked women, but rather to people who want to see good cinema! Although I, quite handily, fall under both categories, so who am I to complain?


Till next time
Peace

The Hangover...With A Hangover

Off the bat, I have to say sorry, to anyone who bothers reading, for not posting anything in bare time, I have been super duper busy with stupid boring dissertation and other university crap, and then the internet in my London diggs decided to stop working; so I am currently in Staffordshire, where there is internets! YAY! But if you have kept me bookmarked, or do bother to come back and read my shit reviews, then thanking yous for the patience.

Soooooo, on Thursday 15th of April it was my birthday, and as such I spent a large amount of the following two days in what i have come to affectionately know as a "booze coma", which is basically just me rolling around in alcohol until i can barely walk, again...and again....and again....and then some more, because I can, its my birthday fools, try and stop me! So as I travelled to my Dads place for a visit, I was still recovering from the raping I gave my liver the night before, and trying to scrub clean my soul, from the stench that £15 entry strip clubs leave on ones aura. As I come through the door, dad is putting on The Hangover. "Brilliant" I say to myself, "Breasts" i scream internally...perhaps out loud...I was still a bit drunk; but I promptly slumped down onto the living room floor, semi conscious, and began watching The Hangover, again!

Im sure everyone has seen The Hangover, when it came out it was shoved in everyones grill as the best comedy in years and so on so forth, and as such, everyone wanted to go see it, to see what all the hype was about...well I did anyway, I bend very easily to the wills of advertising; I almost bought a Justin Bieber album the other day, just because I saw his poster in Waterloo, and also as I wanted to burn the cd and piss on the ashes...to prove a point. So was it as good as the hype machine had led me to believe?

The Hangover chronicles a bachelor party of 4, consisting of Phil, a school teacher who hates his married life; Stu, the groom-to-be; Doug, a man so whipped by his girlfriend it is hard to tell if he still has his testicles attached to his body, or whether she keeps them in a little box where she can crush them at any time she pleases; and finally we have Alan, the slightly retarded brother-in-law-to be, who nobody really likes, but they have to bring him along out of courtesy. They do what any real men do for a bachelor party, they trek to Las Vegas, a land of strippers and gambling and drugs and just general debauchery; so basically it couldn't be any better tailored to the needs of 4 men out trying to forget their mundane boring lives and to maybe, just maybe, get a bit of strange tail on a weekend out. The story follows this fateful foursome all the way up to their toast on the roof of their hotel, then we flash forward. The boys wake up to a hotel room, trashed, plus a baby, plus a live tiger, plus a chicken, plus brutal hangovers, minus one tooth, and minus one groom. yeah they lost the groom a day before his wedding, good work lads. The rest of the film is Phil, Doug and Alan, running around Las Vegas, trying to piece together their madcap evening and find out where they have left Stu, as a wedding can't really go forward without a groom, and I think we all know what happens to women near wedding time, they become like wild animals, hell bent on perfection. So if you have lost the groom, not only will you have lost a friend, but you may also lose an eye, as it is clawed out by a rabid, snarling bride.

My favourite character was Alan, who is probably everyones favourite. played by comedian Jack Galifianakis (Greekest name ever?) he is totally likable yet cringe worthingly embarrassing at the same time. His "Wolf Pack" speech at the beginning of the film being a particular highlight; although most of his lines, and just his general being, are funny. There are cameos by Heather Graham and Mike Tyson, which is all good fun, but the best thing about The Hangover is the pacing. It all moves by so fast, yet you still feel attached to the plot. Not once did I find myself having to go back in my mind to check for continuity, you are just dragged along at breakneck speed, through the city of sin with these 3 total ass clowns, and every moment is funny, and charming, and at times just plain weird. One point I can make is there could have been more boobies. Yeah I said it, call me immature, but I am a male, and I like boobies. And when I see a film based in Las Vegas, and it is a bachelor party, there should be boobies, boobies waiting for them at their hotel room, boobies on their dinner plates, boobies in their car, boobies constantly in their faces!. If there were boobies in this film imdb would have that rating boosted to a motherfucking 11!!!!

But yeah, it is really good, I would say "go see it" but you probably all already have, so instead, I will say, go see I Love You, Man; which is equally as funny, if not more so, and has Jason Segal in it, and he is a massive legend.

I will probably write another review tomorrow, as I plan on watching Havoc, simply for the fact Anne Hathaway seems to be naked in a majority of the film. Sweet!

Till next time
Peace